Whenever someone gets close to me the normal song and dance begins. There are the things they find out that are either hated or loved. This is when the compliments begin. Immediately, I set that person straight, correcting them that I am not this paragon of virtue. Oftentimes, this a manipulative tool to fish for more compliments. The other reason someone would deny this positive feedback is because their self-image is bad. I've been accused of both on many occasions but let me set that straight now. Every time I halt this offender it is because of what I have been taught spiritually.
Unlike most things this was not my mothers workings, I learned purely on my own and alongside my best friend, DeVeer. When I was young,during childhood, I felt the stirrings of ...more. The answers the Catholic religion gave, or rather did not give, never satisified me. I was forever asking my mom and all our priests, "why". Their answers were always, "don't question God". All of my friends seem to be Baptist so I tried their churches and received no answers again. My father became religious for a season in the Holiness religion, as was the religion of my mother-in-law in later years and still nothing satisfied my thirst for knowledge. I began reading. I was crazy attracted to the Eastern Philosophies. Tao being one of my all-time favorites, alongside, Buddhism, Hindu, Judaism and others I can't remember. From each one I found a truth...normally corresponding with some components of Western Christianity but it was always in bits and pieces. That brought me to where I am now. No religion has it all right. It is the basic manifest of them all...treat people right, fairly, and equally. We are absolutely ALL God's creatures and in order to be near to Him (our goal throughout our many lives in my opinion) we must understand that we are all same: We will make good decisions, bad ones, regret many and seek vengeance...we ALL do this at one time or another.
These people become enamored of the decisions I make in the present. They fail to understand that in the next moment I may do or say something that is highly offensive in their eyes. I , like the rest of my brethren...the human race, I can go from good to bad in no time flat. My temper, once riled can be one of vast proportions For instance, if anyone hurts my family or those I love, I become viscious. You wouldn't want to see that side of me. Another negative confession of mine is I kinda like violence! I'm enthralled with people that master their bodies. I'm not saying I want to see people fight sporadically but I love the mechanics of it...the art. I used to go with a doctor I worked for to boxing rings. I got to stay ringside and assist with vitals and their physical conditions. I learned how to watch, evaluate. I don't enjoy cussing. There was a time I would say I even disapproved of it period. Now I recognize that there are times when it is necessary. As well that anyone has the right to do so if they deem it necessary. That said, let someone begin calling my friends names or spouting racial slurs. Not only will you hear me cuss but I will attempt to belittle that person to the greatest degree I can climb to verbally. I'm way off track here, let me return.
My point is ..that these things might very well be considered far from warm or womanly or kind. You might see that side of me and hate it...see in that moment you won't think me wonderful. I am ME...I am sometimes good and sometimes bad just like the rest of the whole wide world. I need you to know that so when you see the bad you won't be shocked. In conclusion, it is not a lack of confidence nor a need for more flattery that leads me to deny the lovely compliments given; it is merely me, practicing the ideals that I have struggled to adapt.
