I got this. Those three little words will always convey a sense of responsibility, stability and a semblance of permanentness. When a man says this he is saying you can rely on him, that the love is so fully there that he will make sure everything is done to make you feel secure, always. I love those three little words.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Those Three Little Words
I love you. Pfft! Those words carry little weight to me. They are lovely, yes but under no circumstance do they make my heart believe. You might think me harsh for that opinion but let me explain that I find love to be easy. As a human being trying to do the right thing I tend to love everyone. I can tell my friends all day long I love them. Now when I love you is uttered with a certain passion that changes everything. As it does if you rearrange the words to form, "I'm in love with you". So these words can give the warm fuzzies but the words that every woman really wants to hear is..." I got this".
Friday, May 27, 2011
Echoes of a life
My parents are coming over today with my grandparents furniture. I'm very excited about it! I prepared my carpets yesterday with a professional cleaning. They look wondrous! This living room set was the one I admired as a child, in part because we were not allowed to go in there. It was my grandparents formal living room. We may have been in there twice my whole life for a family function. Amongst the excitement at having a treasured piece from my grandparents, there is a small reminder of sadness. The reason I am obtaining this is due to my grandparents impending death, to be perfectly blunt. They have been put in a nursing home(a decision I still disagree on) some time ago. Since that time, their health and mental acuity has quickly went downhill. No wonder might I say since they have been together and in their own beautiful home for over 50 years.
Imagine this, as it appears my family cannot: A young woman and man of a much older generation, than this one, finding one another in love. Against many obstacles and hardships they find stability in their lives with one another through the decades. Everyday it is that other person beside you in the bed. It is your partner for life that you have come to learn, respect and love unconditionally. Then you add a home to the mix. A place where your children are raised. Even when they are gone their children come back to replace the echoes of merriment. My grandparents home was the mecca of kindness, generosity and security. You could always count on my grandmother offering us Frito Lays and a soda as soon as we came in from running all over their grounds. The tractor rides my grandfather, even when not feeling the best, would offer to us every time. I always knew the cows didn't really need feeding, every time we came...he did that for us, my sister and I.
Now picture all that gone in a matter of weeks. Imagine trying to fathom that the person and home you had built your life with, wanted to grow old with, would no longer be there in your last days. Personally, it breaks my heart to no end. The point of us finding that someone, that constant seeking, is so that our lives will be shared with someone til the end. What a travesty that is has been cut short!
My family doesn't understand the quick degradation of my grandparents health. They keep looking to doctors for the answers; putting them both through tests and medicinal trials to no satisfaction. I'm curious why it is only me that sees the answer so clearly: They are brokenhearted! Plain and simple, they no longer wish to live a life they haven't chosen. I will miss them dearly and forever be saddened at the disappointing end of it all but I will not weep for their passing. I would not want to live a life devoid of my lifetime of choices, possessions and most of all the love of my life around me; That is not living, existing is no choice!
Imagine this, as it appears my family cannot: A young woman and man of a much older generation, than this one, finding one another in love. Against many obstacles and hardships they find stability in their lives with one another through the decades. Everyday it is that other person beside you in the bed. It is your partner for life that you have come to learn, respect and love unconditionally. Then you add a home to the mix. A place where your children are raised. Even when they are gone their children come back to replace the echoes of merriment. My grandparents home was the mecca of kindness, generosity and security. You could always count on my grandmother offering us Frito Lays and a soda as soon as we came in from running all over their grounds. The tractor rides my grandfather, even when not feeling the best, would offer to us every time. I always knew the cows didn't really need feeding, every time we came...he did that for us, my sister and I.
Now picture all that gone in a matter of weeks. Imagine trying to fathom that the person and home you had built your life with, wanted to grow old with, would no longer be there in your last days. Personally, it breaks my heart to no end. The point of us finding that someone, that constant seeking, is so that our lives will be shared with someone til the end. What a travesty that is has been cut short!
My family doesn't understand the quick degradation of my grandparents health. They keep looking to doctors for the answers; putting them both through tests and medicinal trials to no satisfaction. I'm curious why it is only me that sees the answer so clearly: They are brokenhearted! Plain and simple, they no longer wish to live a life they haven't chosen. I will miss them dearly and forever be saddened at the disappointing end of it all but I will not weep for their passing. I would not want to live a life devoid of my lifetime of choices, possessions and most of all the love of my life around me; That is not living, existing is no choice!
Pedigree'd Personalities?
I have a quick thought...(Psyche--as if I am ever quick) that I'd like to offer to the great nonethingness. Should one pay for an animal, that is to be a pet? Isn't a pet something to be loved for its personality, not it's pedigree? I don't know a lot of people that are these pedigree snobs so I'm very curious after hearing one of my co-workers brag about the cost of her dog. A dog, that she keeps crated in her home over 75% of the time to hear her speak. Have our pets become another extension to prove who we are in society?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
My Glass House
My writing has been attacked...again! It has stalled my fingers from writing these past several days! A few people of whom I am intimately acquainted describe my blog as negative, bitter and basically dismal(that one was my word). They are accusing me of not representing myself correctly here, as I am in life. I must correct that, one is, the other is quick to say that at the core of me, I am bitter and that comes through in my writing. Let me be explicit for the record, I was even informed that the reason I didn't have more followers was due to this..."who would want to read such negative things?" I don't know how to set this aside and move on, truthfully. That people whom know me can't understand this, my passion, my place to release all monsters in my head, troubles me to no end. I could confess to how this pains me intimately. I could go on and on, detailing how wrong I believe them to be but rather...I write the chaos down, out of my heart and soul, allowing me to breathe easier. Removing this "negativity" releases me from the happiness I find once removed from inside. Here is the place that I built for redemption, salvation, cathartic exhalation...whether you are watching or not my absentee followers...whether you are agreeing or not my ever-loving friends. I bring the hurt here!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Rapture101
The end of the world is today. For those of you that haven't been preparing all along I have decided to impart you with a top ten list:
- Flip through the bible and find the parts of it that say, we are not to know the time of our death/end of the world/rapture and use permanent red ink to strike through those words obviously imprinted by(cue:mysterious music) ....THE Devil!
- Take stock of all your department store credit cards and begin the shopping spree at each.
- Participate in the funding of massive roadside billboards announcing the end of times because that always gets their attention.
- Stay naked so making it easier for the rapture spotlight to find you and lift you to the heavens. Plus, do you really want to ruin that brand new Gucci skirt?
- As Judgement day begins at 6pm, I recommend that you stop driving at least 2 hours before such time.
- Call in sick to work, no matter what shift you are working.
- Don't forget to cancel your newspaper subscriptions. Just because you will be safe, do not make it any harder for the heathens left behind.
- Harold Camping, the genius christian on high who has the inside track on all things God doesn't know exactly how it will all begin so just in case it is the Zombie Apocalypse instead, get a good supply of lumber to board up all your windows and some deer urine(zombies hate that smell)
- Since there are many different time zones you must be prepared for some spotty cell service at least 8 hours before the coming of Jdawg. I recommend making your farewell, cya in heaven or good luck with the tribulations, well before then.
- And the number one thing you must prepare for before the rapture is...Empty all bodily functions before the light finds you; wipe well. You might experience some anxiety and nausea on the ride up. No one is in the mood for that kind of mess.
Good luck my fellow Human beings. Its been real!
Friday, May 20, 2011
Societal Beauty
Turns out our standards of beauty might be wrong, gasp! Allow my lovely co-workers to be the guinea pigs for which these results stem from.
Case study 1. There is a young girl who tans herself, via this tube machine thingy...wait for it...EVERYDAY! After working a twelve hour shift, she goes to a tiny little whole in the wall place to sit in a suffocating capsule full of glass tubes to expose herself, voluntarily, to UV rays. All of this in the name of, beauty? Who was it and when did we decide that tanning is the standard of beauty? Oh wait, it is not just her that believes this. After she has especially soaked up enough and the results resonating in her oh so brown skin she receives all kinds of envious comments and compliments. This, my friends is a healthcare professional too. Umm, did someone forget to read the medical journal that states, as a fact, that tanning is not only dangerous to your skin but accelerates the aging process? Lets let that one fact go and try another route. She's white! We are white! Why is she trying to be another color? Isn't that some form of self hate? Can I dare to call it racism? haha Honestly, though if you think about it, there is a huge percentage of Caucasians(look at me, being PC) that are indeed, racist. I bet they don't think about it when they are trying to tan themselves, in essence attempting to look like the race that is more predominantly ostracized.
Case study 2. My one and only male co-worker is a 6'something giant of a man/boy. He weighs himself everyday. I promise you if you look at him you would want to feed him. He is this long stick of a vessel, yet here he is obsessed with his weight being lower. He announced to us yesterday that he had reached maximum capacity at a weight, I won't disclose(just in case one of them read this), that makes him physically and emotionally unhealthy. That is when he gave the standards our medical professionals live and breath by, siting him overweight by over nearly 100 pounds. My goodness I can tell you a scarecrow would have more meat on his stature if this were to happen. I was devastated and shocked at the inability to allow for self-esteem, personal preference...common sense! Turns out these standards were put in place during WWI, as a friend researched for me. How ridiculous is that alone? We are allowing an outdated source dictate current standards of not only beauty but taking into consideration physical fitness. Our lives were different then. Automobiles were less visible and we still used those two things called feet outside in the wild, rather than at the gym. Thats not even allowing for the genetic markers that are not factored into these unrealistic goals. Personally, throw in a little dash of pharmaceutical and health beauty industries and you gots you a full on case of peer pressure, governmental/industrial conspiracies coming together to sucker you into doing what they say, rather than relying upon ourselves. You know...that crazy notion that we are in control of our own lives, free and no longer slaves to anything or anyone.
Case study 3. We are nurses, if you didn't already know. One of my co-workers doesn't leave her house without makeup. I work nightshift quite a bit and even then you will see the vibrant colors poisoning her skin. She puts on so much face paint that I guarantee I would not recognize her without it; she might not be able to either. How sad is that? The point of make up is to enrich your face, your skin, not to cover it up, transform it and inevitably ruin it. Now, do not get me wrong, I enjoy a good lipstick. You might even find my eyes lined with some crayon, enhancing my otherwise, no nonsense eyes, on occasion! That said, you will never find the idea of my own facial featurs in such hate that I strive to erase them. Barbara Streisand said it best in a movie titled, "A Mirror has two faces" when her sister is trying to convince her to put make up on. She said,"Why it would still be me, just me in color" I love that line! Let it stand as the conclusion to my argument.
I don't know that I need to say anymore...but I will. I cannot believe we have allowed our society, the majority of these groups in power to dictate what we decide to do with our own bodies. We, for the most part, are rational, intelligent people that are more than capable of listening to our bodies , in order to find that perfect balance.
Case study 1. There is a young girl who tans herself, via this tube machine thingy...wait for it...EVERYDAY! After working a twelve hour shift, she goes to a tiny little whole in the wall place to sit in a suffocating capsule full of glass tubes to expose herself, voluntarily, to UV rays. All of this in the name of, beauty? Who was it and when did we decide that tanning is the standard of beauty? Oh wait, it is not just her that believes this. After she has especially soaked up enough and the results resonating in her oh so brown skin she receives all kinds of envious comments and compliments. This, my friends is a healthcare professional too. Umm, did someone forget to read the medical journal that states, as a fact, that tanning is not only dangerous to your skin but accelerates the aging process? Lets let that one fact go and try another route. She's white! We are white! Why is she trying to be another color? Isn't that some form of self hate? Can I dare to call it racism? haha Honestly, though if you think about it, there is a huge percentage of Caucasians(look at me, being PC) that are indeed, racist. I bet they don't think about it when they are trying to tan themselves, in essence attempting to look like the race that is more predominantly ostracized.
Case study 2. My one and only male co-worker is a 6'something giant of a man/boy. He weighs himself everyday. I promise you if you look at him you would want to feed him. He is this long stick of a vessel, yet here he is obsessed with his weight being lower. He announced to us yesterday that he had reached maximum capacity at a weight, I won't disclose(just in case one of them read this), that makes him physically and emotionally unhealthy. That is when he gave the standards our medical professionals live and breath by, siting him overweight by over nearly 100 pounds. My goodness I can tell you a scarecrow would have more meat on his stature if this were to happen. I was devastated and shocked at the inability to allow for self-esteem, personal preference...common sense! Turns out these standards were put in place during WWI, as a friend researched for me. How ridiculous is that alone? We are allowing an outdated source dictate current standards of not only beauty but taking into consideration physical fitness. Our lives were different then. Automobiles were less visible and we still used those two things called feet outside in the wild, rather than at the gym. Thats not even allowing for the genetic markers that are not factored into these unrealistic goals. Personally, throw in a little dash of pharmaceutical and health beauty industries and you gots you a full on case of peer pressure, governmental/industrial conspiracies coming together to sucker you into doing what they say, rather than relying upon ourselves. You know...that crazy notion that we are in control of our own lives, free and no longer slaves to anything or anyone.
Case study 3. We are nurses, if you didn't already know. One of my co-workers doesn't leave her house without makeup. I work nightshift quite a bit and even then you will see the vibrant colors poisoning her skin. She puts on so much face paint that I guarantee I would not recognize her without it; she might not be able to either. How sad is that? The point of make up is to enrich your face, your skin, not to cover it up, transform it and inevitably ruin it. Now, do not get me wrong, I enjoy a good lipstick. You might even find my eyes lined with some crayon, enhancing my otherwise, no nonsense eyes, on occasion! That said, you will never find the idea of my own facial featurs in such hate that I strive to erase them. Barbara Streisand said it best in a movie titled, "A Mirror has two faces" when her sister is trying to convince her to put make up on. She said,"Why it would still be me, just me in color" I love that line! Let it stand as the conclusion to my argument.
I don't know that I need to say anymore...but I will. I cannot believe we have allowed our society, the majority of these groups in power to dictate what we decide to do with our own bodies. We, for the most part, are rational, intelligent people that are more than capable of listening to our bodies , in order to find that perfect balance.
I'm Happy
I'm supposed to write a happy blog. I've started this process quite a few times with no result to speak of, except this constipation of ideas. I could give the standard line(that is real): I'm happy for my life, blah; I'm grateful for what I have yak. Oooo, and lets not forget my favorite one: it could be worse. All of that would be the false vomit to appease those that don't understand...yep, I'm going to say it..prepare your gag response....those of you that cannot appreciate a poet's soul. Bon Jovi said it long ago, "like the poet's need the pain". Who are we to argue with the greatness of Mr.Jovi, I dare you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I'm a Vampire
Before Stephanie Meyers made them glitter...before Anne Rice brought Tom Cruise and Brad Pit to the darkest depths...even since LA. Banks raised them to the ranks of urban coolness I was a vampire connoisseur. Bram Stoker told the initial tale that caught my eye so long ago. From there I wanted the truth, the historical facts(still in question) of the vampire tales. As we all know there was little romantic about Vlad the Impaler. He was a horrific monster of a man that created the romantic fiction of today. Yet, here I am, still announcing to the world that I, Catherine Ballinger, have a vampire fetish (ew, No, not sexual or...hmm, whats a bite or two?).
I love the darkness. It is in the cloak of night that I am energized. I see the stars and the moon and am transfixed with the glory of it all. Daytime seems so full of ...normal, boring, scheduled, obligatory nothingness. In the early morning hours, before the sun, the world shows it's secrets. I walk among the blue tones of quiet, listening for the truth of our lives. Shh, just listen and you'll hear....
I'm just joking or...am I? I am beginning a new vampire series titled, The Dark Brotherhood this week. I'm pretty excited to step back in this magical world that embraces me with its darkness, equally as it does the light.
I love the darkness. It is in the cloak of night that I am energized. I see the stars and the moon and am transfixed with the glory of it all. Daytime seems so full of ...normal, boring, scheduled, obligatory nothingness. In the early morning hours, before the sun, the world shows it's secrets. I walk among the blue tones of quiet, listening for the truth of our lives. Shh, just listen and you'll hear....
I'm just joking or...am I? I am beginning a new vampire series titled, The Dark Brotherhood this week. I'm pretty excited to step back in this magical world that embraces me with its darkness, equally as it does the light.
Prayer to Me
"Courage is not the absence of fear but taking action in the face of it"
I'm not a risk-taker. Almost every conversation I have ever had, has been played out in my mind well before it reaches my lips. Any path I choose has been carefully mapped out to overt any missteps. In other words, I live in my head more often than not. There, it is a chaotic place full of lists, warnings, fears, and memories of all the words before. Upon my desk, proof of this exists with balled up pieces of paper containing my pros and cons inventory. You'll find sticky notes everywhere with tiny messages, directing myself to do a certain task, not to be derailed by the whimsical other half.
Yes, you read that correctly; I am aware of the hypocrisy. At odds with my cowardice is this living, breathing, death-defying rebel that longs to release the shackles. Every now and then I allow her breath. It is those moments when the real me is set free and I soar with the freedom of it. A smile begins, it crawls up from inside, reaches my eyes and conforms my face into something only the devil himself could resist. When I allow the fear and memories of such to ease, my soul emanates with the love I want all to feel.
See...me...I'm aware that I was born for greatness. I have felt it since I was a child; the weight of my life. I know that God gave me this life to transform my world and all those that exist in it. In small ways, in those moments when I allow the real me to live, I believe I impact this life, as I'm supposed to. Now if only I could live there. How do I forget the shadows of fear and pain? Those obstacles placed in my life to overcome and deserve this bright life that await me by our creator. How can anyone doubt that He exists? I feel Him in my life, guiding me, begging me to release myself; letting me know that He is there, when I'm ready.
With that in mind, that faith, ever present in my heart, I know I'll get there. One day, I'll become the creature of light and love that is only glimpsed now. Every now and then you'll see her, the real me but don't blink,or you'll only see this me, this ever struggling soul, wrestling with her demons.
I'm not a risk-taker. Almost every conversation I have ever had, has been played out in my mind well before it reaches my lips. Any path I choose has been carefully mapped out to overt any missteps. In other words, I live in my head more often than not. There, it is a chaotic place full of lists, warnings, fears, and memories of all the words before. Upon my desk, proof of this exists with balled up pieces of paper containing my pros and cons inventory. You'll find sticky notes everywhere with tiny messages, directing myself to do a certain task, not to be derailed by the whimsical other half.
Yes, you read that correctly; I am aware of the hypocrisy. At odds with my cowardice is this living, breathing, death-defying rebel that longs to release the shackles. Every now and then I allow her breath. It is those moments when the real me is set free and I soar with the freedom of it. A smile begins, it crawls up from inside, reaches my eyes and conforms my face into something only the devil himself could resist. When I allow the fear and memories of such to ease, my soul emanates with the love I want all to feel.
See...me...I'm aware that I was born for greatness. I have felt it since I was a child; the weight of my life. I know that God gave me this life to transform my world and all those that exist in it. In small ways, in those moments when I allow the real me to live, I believe I impact this life, as I'm supposed to. Now if only I could live there. How do I forget the shadows of fear and pain? Those obstacles placed in my life to overcome and deserve this bright life that await me by our creator. How can anyone doubt that He exists? I feel Him in my life, guiding me, begging me to release myself; letting me know that He is there, when I'm ready.
With that in mind, that faith, ever present in my heart, I know I'll get there. One day, I'll become the creature of light and love that is only glimpsed now. Every now and then you'll see her, the real me but don't blink,or you'll only see this me, this ever struggling soul, wrestling with her demons.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
FB hater: take 101
Yep another Facebook hate-filled blog. It really is the pure proof of our degrading society. I have yet to find the percentile that I exist in, being an anti-FBer but I have to believe that I'm not alone in the realization that this is killing us, as a people. It's said that we are getting dumber with each generation; with that fact in mind, lets be clear that Facebook is the vehicle to that demise currently.
Did you know that collectively, Facebook's users spend, wait for it... 700 billion minutes per month on the site, according to company stats? Assuming the site has 500 million active users, that works out to 23 hours and 20 minutes per person a month ,on average, sites CNN tech blog, Netiquette. By that math, the average user is logging a little more than 45 minutes on Facebook a day. That is a lot of time dedicated to voyeurism.
Yep, I said it! Facebook is merely the voyeuristic need to keep up with the Jones's. Truthfully, this need is nothing modern; Zuckerman has just offered us a less conspicuous way to go about this dysfunctional mandate to be involved in other people's lives to such an unhealthy degree. Imagine taking this amount of time to look inward...is that really such a phenomenal idea? Self-introspection. Instead we all rush to our computers,smart phones, ipads, laptops everytime someone posts any inane scribbling. How and why would it impact my life in anyway to know that friend x(PS, are normally not truly a friend) now owns a ipad2. Oh yes, let me be specific...an Ipad2, not one, so in your face, you can hear if our ability to infer hasn't been completely eradicated yet.
I can't use the term voyeur without mentioning FB's, ever so private and careful (note: Sarcasm, please) picture posting policy that are made available to all Facebook users. All one needs to do is post a picture to a few people and before you know it, it has been tagged amongst your peers and then some. This is the latest form of torture made available to teens today. Trust me it is being fully abused. My niece was very recently a victim. She had suggestive pictures posted on facebook, without her permission by an ex boyfriend. Yes, she found out quickly after and had them blocked, etc but that did NOT get rid of them, merely no one could see them on her page anymore. As is true for most of the world wide web at large, is doubly the case with FB...once the info/pics are out there, it can never be destroyed. Might I add that if, God forbid, there were someone actually monitoring this website, maybe then, an individual's right could be honored. Just a thought.
I'm done...for now. Basically, and yet again...Facebook is the devil! Laugh if you must to ease your own discomfort at perpetuating this plague upon mankind...laugh indeed. Mwhahhaha
Did you know that collectively, Facebook's users spend, wait for it... 700 billion minutes per month on the site, according to company stats? Assuming the site has 500 million active users, that works out to 23 hours and 20 minutes per person a month ,on average, sites CNN tech blog, Netiquette. By that math, the average user is logging a little more than 45 minutes on Facebook a day. That is a lot of time dedicated to voyeurism.
Yep, I said it! Facebook is merely the voyeuristic need to keep up with the Jones's. Truthfully, this need is nothing modern; Zuckerman has just offered us a less conspicuous way to go about this dysfunctional mandate to be involved in other people's lives to such an unhealthy degree. Imagine taking this amount of time to look inward...is that really such a phenomenal idea? Self-introspection. Instead we all rush to our computers,smart phones, ipads, laptops everytime someone posts any inane scribbling. How and why would it impact my life in anyway to know that friend x(PS, are normally not truly a friend) now owns a ipad2. Oh yes, let me be specific...an Ipad2, not one, so in your face, you can hear if our ability to infer hasn't been completely eradicated yet.
I can't use the term voyeur without mentioning FB's, ever so private and careful (note: Sarcasm, please) picture posting policy that are made available to all Facebook users. All one needs to do is post a picture to a few people and before you know it, it has been tagged amongst your peers and then some. This is the latest form of torture made available to teens today. Trust me it is being fully abused. My niece was very recently a victim. She had suggestive pictures posted on facebook, without her permission by an ex boyfriend. Yes, she found out quickly after and had them blocked, etc but that did NOT get rid of them, merely no one could see them on her page anymore. As is true for most of the world wide web at large, is doubly the case with FB...once the info/pics are out there, it can never be destroyed. Might I add that if, God forbid, there were someone actually monitoring this website, maybe then, an individual's right could be honored. Just a thought.
I'm done...for now. Basically, and yet again...Facebook is the devil! Laugh if you must to ease your own discomfort at perpetuating this plague upon mankind...laugh indeed. Mwhahhaha
Hachi
(old draft of a blog I never finished, FYI)
I just finished watching a beautifully sad story about a dog named Hachi. He was found as a puppy by a professor and lived with him for years. Hachi would dig out of the backyard to get to the train station everyday and wait for his owner to arrive. Everyday for...decades! One day the professor didn't get off the train. He had died unexpectedly. The daughter tried to take over care of Hachi but each day he would escape to the train station. He would wait in that same location everyday for the next 10 years. PS, this was a true story. The dog finally stopped waiting for his master to come to him and he went to him, dying...going to find his owner in the afterlife.
What in the world is so prevalent in dogs that we as human being can't seem to master?...Loyalty...unconditional love. This movie is so worth watching! Warning: Bring your Kleenex!
I just finished watching a beautifully sad story about a dog named Hachi. He was found as a puppy by a professor and lived with him for years. Hachi would dig out of the backyard to get to the train station everyday and wait for his owner to arrive. Everyday for...decades! One day the professor didn't get off the train. He had died unexpectedly. The daughter tried to take over care of Hachi but each day he would escape to the train station. He would wait in that same location everyday for the next 10 years. PS, this was a true story. The dog finally stopped waiting for his master to come to him and he went to him, dying...going to find his owner in the afterlife.
What in the world is so prevalent in dogs that we as human being can't seem to master?...Loyalty...unconditional love. This movie is so worth watching! Warning: Bring your Kleenex!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
False Wall
I'm home again. My work downstaffs a lot due to low census. You might think that I am overjoyed at the prospect; you would be wrong. This gives me the time to begin that introspective journey that I can't seem to quell. Those tired questions of where is my life headed, will I ever find the one, what does it all mean, am I a good enough person. My head screams with these and so many other doubts. The overwhelming mantra that forms into a question is, When will my life begin. This can't be it, I tell myself.
I haven't written the great novel yet. I haven't published my poetry or even allowed someone to be touched by them. I didn't join the Peace Corp and travel the world to help people. I haven't met , The One, and lord if I have ...I screwed that up because I'm on my own again. I haven't figured out exactly who I am yet. Do I continue striving for some perfection or do I finally admit that this is me, warts and all. I haven't left my mark upon the world. Maybe above all these things I haven't built my heaven yet.
I haven't even began the blueprints to create this magical place where none of these questions would matter. Here, in my home, a palace I envision, just for me, nothing but peace and love abide. Time doesn't make me tremble here. The what ifs and what I haven't done's are so far out of my mind because I have this, a place that welcomes me everyday with no pressure. The very air will impart a sense of magic that erases all pain. Every corner of my house will be filled with symbols of love and light.
I want to live this life so badly. That is where I am today. I am dreaming of the life that has yet to appear. I am wondering if this little life I exist in now, is enough. Time is passing so fast; please slow down. Perhaps God will hear my prayer...this time.
Welcome to a day "off" in my life.
I haven't written the great novel yet. I haven't published my poetry or even allowed someone to be touched by them. I didn't join the Peace Corp and travel the world to help people. I haven't met , The One, and lord if I have ...I screwed that up because I'm on my own again. I haven't figured out exactly who I am yet. Do I continue striving for some perfection or do I finally admit that this is me, warts and all. I haven't left my mark upon the world. Maybe above all these things I haven't built my heaven yet.
I haven't even began the blueprints to create this magical place where none of these questions would matter. Here, in my home, a palace I envision, just for me, nothing but peace and love abide. Time doesn't make me tremble here. The what ifs and what I haven't done's are so far out of my mind because I have this, a place that welcomes me everyday with no pressure. The very air will impart a sense of magic that erases all pain. Every corner of my house will be filled with symbols of love and light.
I want to live this life so badly. That is where I am today. I am dreaming of the life that has yet to appear. I am wondering if this little life I exist in now, is enough. Time is passing so fast; please slow down. Perhaps God will hear my prayer...this time.
Welcome to a day "off" in my life.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day Thoughts
I think I'm supposed to do a Mother's Day blog. My brainstorming before pounding these keys gave me little insight into what I want to say about it. Actually, I don't have a lot of feelings on this day. Isn't it another trumped up holiday to aid the card industry? The thought is that there needs to be one day a year were mom's are appreciated. As unrealistic as this might sound, shouldn't that happen everyday and at the very least, happen when it is felt, not forced. Personally, this day is almost a slap in the face to me because I would prefer my son remembers every so often and tell me how much I mean to him, not one day a year. As for gifts, I have never needed them, merely words(written are always nicer) of caring sustain me. Perhaps the name of this day should be, "Mother's Day for those children that are selfish and self-absorbed". Yeah, that would go over well, besides not being very catchy.
On this day, we mother's are supposed to be granted the wish of our hearts. Ironically, if you ask most mom's what they really want from their children it will be things like; leaving me alone for a day, cleaning the house spotlessly without being asked, cease and desist all fighting and back-talking, or like me, just a card/letter telling me you care. This may seem like my opinion only but the radio station G105, actually had mom's call in with these answers. I would say 80% of mothers said they just wanted a day of peace.
On this day, we mother's are supposed to be granted the wish of our hearts. Ironically, if you ask most mom's what they really want from their children it will be things like; leaving me alone for a day, cleaning the house spotlessly without being asked, cease and desist all fighting and back-talking, or like me, just a card/letter telling me you care. This may seem like my opinion only but the radio station G105, actually had mom's call in with these answers. I would say 80% of mothers said they just wanted a day of peace.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
My fingers fail so poetry time
Deafened Joy
You swept in
And carried me away
To a magical place
Devoid of distance or time
Neither of us hearing the hazards
Only our hearts reciting,
“I am yours and you are mine”.
The childish happiness
Fed us all the life we needed
I believe we tempted the Gods
With our limitless joy abound
We, each lost in the other
Never knowing fate had other plans
Until the end was shockingly found
I think we always secretly knew
Our path was a twisted fork
Sensing this result with time
Separate and left crying
Now I am merely pleading
That life would accommodate
The last request of a heart left dying
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Short-term Love?
So it turns out I might be needy. Is there a way to define or qualify that word, I wonder. In a relationship, specifically is there such a thing as too much affection? I want to know everyday that I am loved. I want to be touched all the time, just for the sake of showing affection/warmth. I demand some form of quality contact from the man I love at least everyday.Although sex is very important there has to be time when the touching doesn't lead to that too. Are these things too much to ask, especially when they will be reciprocated tenfold? Does the initial honeymoon stage always have to end? How long do you endure changes to a relationship and/or the person you fell in love with before you cut and run? If these phenomenon are destined to happen in a relationship (which seems to be my experience) then why do we even begin? Therefore, if dating is this hard...does that mean marriage is merely settling for these "realities"? These are the questions that haunt me. They bring me to a rather ... slightly ridiculous, yet relevant proposal: Should relationships only be short-term?
Seriously, I'm thinking that the three to four month period of bliss is all I want. Would that really be so hard to maintain? Can you imagine just enjoying the whole falling in love process over and over? Sure the end would suck but it seems to happen anyway, so if I prepare for it...no surprises! no pain! My mother told me that I am too old to be "playing the field"(her term for dating or...is she calling me a slut? hmm), that I need to settle down with one man. I wish dear old mom's advice was as easy to follow as to say. Her and my father met and married in 3-4 months. I guess they never experienced the out of love stage before they married. Maybe that is the answer. So my choices are fall in love and wait for it all to fall apart or fall in love and get married and have it all fall apart but AFTER I'm married.
Is love one of our human needs? I wonder if I could boycott that one. Maybe if I get down on my knees long enough and pray to God he'll make my heart stop wanting it. On the brighter side of it all...I have some wonderfully bad, sad, poignant and crappy poetry to document it all.
Seriously, I'm thinking that the three to four month period of bliss is all I want. Would that really be so hard to maintain? Can you imagine just enjoying the whole falling in love process over and over? Sure the end would suck but it seems to happen anyway, so if I prepare for it...no surprises! no pain! My mother told me that I am too old to be "playing the field"(her term for dating or...is she calling me a slut? hmm), that I need to settle down with one man. I wish dear old mom's advice was as easy to follow as to say. Her and my father met and married in 3-4 months. I guess they never experienced the out of love stage before they married. Maybe that is the answer. So my choices are fall in love and wait for it all to fall apart or fall in love and get married and have it all fall apart but AFTER I'm married.
Is love one of our human needs? I wonder if I could boycott that one. Maybe if I get down on my knees long enough and pray to God he'll make my heart stop wanting it. On the brighter side of it all...I have some wonderfully bad, sad, poignant and crappy poetry to document it all.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Do-Over
You'd think at the age of 30-something, I'd have most things figured out; wouldn't you? Frig I know I thought I would all those years ago as a young woman, planning my entire life ahead of me. Funny, how plans go. At the very least aren't I supposed to know what I want and how to get it? Wrong again, fate laughs at the very thought I believe. When you have childish questions that should long ago be answered, who do you ask? When you finally find what you think you wanted and you still find yourself unhappy, who do you blame? When you realize you made a mistake, a rash decision, that cost you something beautiful, how do you get it back? I would like to reinstate "do-overs" from our childhoods. That is what I am upon my soap box lobbying for today.
In a moment of frustration I tell my son, he is a disappointment. Stop. freeze..do-over! I'll take a deep breath and explain to him I am disappointed in his behavior right now and expect better from him.
My pride and anger allowed him to leave my life without a fight. Stop, don't walk out that door yet...do-over! I will remind him that this fight is temporary and what I really want is him forever near me, holding my hand through life.
I tell my co-workers and boss that I don't need or want this job. Stop, whoa forget those sounds...do-over! I am so grateful for this job and look forward to further growth in our company.
My goodness if I could only claim do-overs. I could fix every problem in my life. Oftentimes, as soon as one of these mistakes are uttered from my mouth, I recognize they are just that. Okay, so I changed my mind, the point of this blog is not to demand do-overs but to demand that I gain superpowers to reverse time...do-over!
In a moment of frustration I tell my son, he is a disappointment. Stop. freeze..do-over! I'll take a deep breath and explain to him I am disappointed in his behavior right now and expect better from him.
My pride and anger allowed him to leave my life without a fight. Stop, don't walk out that door yet...do-over! I will remind him that this fight is temporary and what I really want is him forever near me, holding my hand through life.
I tell my co-workers and boss that I don't need or want this job. Stop, whoa forget those sounds...do-over! I am so grateful for this job and look forward to further growth in our company.
My goodness if I could only claim do-overs. I could fix every problem in my life. Oftentimes, as soon as one of these mistakes are uttered from my mouth, I recognize they are just that. Okay, so I changed my mind, the point of this blog is not to demand do-overs but to demand that I gain superpowers to reverse time...do-over!
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