Who's News?

I don't watch the news! I have been called ignorant on more than one occassion for this fact by friends,co-workers, even family. My own mother is visibly frustrated with me as she utters,"oh did you hear about(insert tragedy here)?" she stops herself and snides, "oh, that's right...you don't watch the news." Although the tone, adjectives and inflection changes, the same situation plays itself out on a daily basis.

I came to this decision many, many years ago, if it could even be called that. There was never a doubt in my mind that the news was detrimental to the world, much less to my particular life.

Let's see...a series of broadcasted tragedies ring out for an hour in the evening and an hour at night on most channels. You hear the verbal cues for tears as the newcaster makes her or his eyes look just sad enough. I am supposed to believe that these make-up ridden women with enough hairspray on their heads to ignite a small explosive, understand and can relate the ways of the world to me. They decide what "news" is noteworthy and which lives are marked enough for publicity? I think not!

How is it we all have decided that the only news worthy of our attention is this negative crap that drones on daily? There are so many beautiful things in this world that could be showcased to encourage humanity. I just really don't see the point in knowing that another human being was murdered today or that another kid was put in jail due to drugs. That said I can assure you I do hear it.

Here is the amazing part...I don't have to watch the news to hear about it. My mother alone keeps me up to date on the murderous and scary world we live in today but if she isn't enough; I can tell you that the water cooler talk consists of nothing but the latest tragedies. I don't escape this assault even on the bus ride to my car. The grocery store check out line is alive and well with "tuffts" and "hmmms" that are barely sincere, but whispered for society to approve their disdane. Oh yes, we can all agree that these are bad people so we must be good ones. If only we looked at ourselves as closely.

So I don't watch the news but sadly I hear about it all day long. Even though I choose to lead a life that focuses on the most positivity I can find , I am still forced to listen to the atrocities that plague my fellow man. Just in case you missed my point...Nope, I don't watch news, I am force fed it almost in the same way that the sheep are that do watch it. 

Don't drink the water!

One of my girlfriends and I have been noticing that boys are going out of their minds lately. I say boys, very purposely too! There is no way a real man(is there such a thing?) could play the games that these males seem to be up to. The several men that we have in our lives, ranging from friends, just friends, to maybe more than friends are acting out in the strangest of ways.

Some are stepping up their games to include flirty behavior. That said, it is not necessarily welcome! These are the boys that you had already decided were off limits or not interested or even interesting. They gave no sembalance of ...anything! Oh my goodness and this includes one of the ugliest offenders...the one that will not go away. The friend that won't take no for an answer or the married guy that is pushing boundaries...you know that guy that just doesn't take the hint..."you are nothing to me anymore!"

Some are backing off and seeming to abandon ship with no provocation.These boys are the ones you thought you could count on. The ones you thought you knew. They have begun making little comments that are offensive or just losing contact period. Slowly, you find yourself wondering what the hell happened...when did we stop and most of all, why wasn't I consulted?

The worst ones are those that do a bit of both. Just as we figure out what we are, they begin changing tactics and we begin to doubt. As naive as this might sound I'm confused why they can't just discuss the issue. I'm all about hearing the truth so I can get out of my head wondering and move on. Doesn't that make the most sense? Why all this sudden game-playing?

I have no answers. I merely needed to vent. My girlfriend and I are at a loss. If you have any insights, do comment below.

Tattoo

I want a tattoo! It's funny how people don't think this of me. As a matter of fact I get quite the open-jawed response when I mention my desire for a tattoo. I'm assuming this is due to the stereotypes associated with this act, that may seem far removed from the person I am generally perceived as. That said, people get tattoos for many, many reasons.

One of the most common stereotypical groups is when a person of ...grit(for lack of a better word) that wants something equally rough on their bodies to announce to the world that they are just that. Then there is the less conscious bodies that end up with permanent markings on their body due to dares, alchohol/drugs or a lost bet. A whole other brand of people are the ones that get cutsy markings on their person to grab attention. They get the artist to put these in those secret places that only special people get to find out about. They use this as a weapon of mystery to taunt, more often than not, the opposite sex.

Now lets come to my particular  reason...I want something sacred on my body that I can look to every day and remind myself of the journey I am on. I believe in the intention of any one thing to be a powerful object, therefore anything I write on my body will be just that. So beyond the words that will remind me to continue seeking I will also get words of protection written for a super specific reason that I will not unveil at this time.

Ode to Opie

 This blog is solely dedicated to my Opie; he, alone knows who he is, and if I had his ever humble permission I would give his name and shout that to the world. I've never dared to share this with people before, perhaps because I've never known such a man as this. I would wish for everyone that they had an Opie in their lives, as I do.

When you first meet this man you are overwhelmed by his kind smile and warm eyes. Personally, I find him absolutely adorable but that might be my bias. That said,  his charm cannot be denied. My dearest Opie has a way of making you feel like you are the most important person in the room when he speaks to you. His soft green/hazel/blue eyes holding yours as  he listens intently to the words you say. When I first met him I couldn't believe how he retains what I'd say. "He really is listening!" It floored me everytime he regirgitated what I said back to me...it still does to this day.

Ahhh, and when he smiles, it comes from deep within. There is no pretense with this man, I assure you. Although, he does have a twinkle of mischieviousness that you'll only guess at for moments before he springs it on you. Do not allow him to know your weaknesses because my Opie loves to push a person past their issues. When he cares about you he makes it a point to challenge your ideals and get you to a point where you might even consider another side. Opie doesn't comprehend that the world is not as brilliant as he is so he continually attempts to make his vision true.

That brings me to his intelligence. He is a history major with the sharpest memory I have ever had the privilege to know. There is rarely any topic that he can't give you the origin of its time, the proper name of the people and/or events involved. One might think this perfection would become boring but I assure you each time I am fascinated by his knowledge.

Ahhh but his heart...it's so big, you can hardly imagine one man could contain it. As I said above, it radiates from his very being and felt by everyone near him. He is a lover of animals, a champion of the underdog and a believer of the peaceful approach. I can confess that I underestimated and perhaps took this gentleness for weakness, in the beginning. Let me assure you, that my Opie has the strength of a Lion, that resides in him. If anyone dare hurts his loved ones, the steel in his eyes becomes evident. I believe his inner strength is beyond limits,  yet hard for him to have faith in that, himself. Yet, I have seen this man overcome many odds. I know all, or most, of his stories from  his challenging youth. Everything from his turbulent times in different countries, to his father's death and to the marriage that he couldn't save all by himself. I imagine my Opie's eyes have a very far away look when these memories come back to his mind.  Even that sadness is a beautiful thing to behold. It is filled with such thoughtfulness and responsibility.

Through all this beauty there is a very deep sense of humor that cannot be contained. He makes me laugh all the time. I imagine his poor mother had quite the time with this rascal when he was growing up. That mischieviousness I mentioned before has been with him since birth I believe. Admittedly, sometimes he can make me completely crazy but always with a smile that I can't deny...and I try!

Now you know a bit about my Opie. I honestly do wish everyone had someone like him in their lives but...you can't have mine!

Beauty?

I'm a woman that finds beauty in nature, just as I believe natural beauty is the only real kind. Mind you I have no problem with the idea of enhancing that to certain degrees. As in nature, the perfectly planted flower, beside the towering oak, only encourages the eye to appreciate the magnificence of the tree.  Generally, this seems to not be a popular opinion, especially with the men I know. We aren't talking about the tree anymore, but the natural beauty of a woman, without all the trappings applied, otherwise known as make-up. I couldn't sum up my thoughts any better than this quote from Mrs.Barbara Streisand in the movie, "A Mirror has two Faces"

"Gregory Larkin: You don't use make-up, do you?
Rose Morgan: What's the point? I'd still look like me, only in color.

I hope not to alienate any women that might disagree with my point here, so let me be clear in saying that everyone's idea of beauty is personal. I would never judge another woman for her desire to put the whole face on. That said, yes, I disagree that that is beauty. If you must cover your face to be "beautiful" then who is this new being that's pretty;it isn't you, is it? I'm curious, to be honest, what is the answer to that question? All that foundation changes your actual skin tone. A heavily lined and shadowed eye almost changes your eye color. Blush...well it gives this false sense of...what? modesty? The days of pinching our cheeks to look naive, virgin'isc and young are long gone. Lipstick I understand to a certain degree but when piled on, extending our real borders to create some puffy lipped femme fatale, really is distasteful to me. 

Perhaps my real point here is that if we create another "us" then isn't that a lie? Men, and women, admire that particular beauty naturally. I think it is like looking at a work of art but once that becomes more personal, does the fact that you are actually a Monet matter? See, Monet's art is beautiful from a distance but once you get close you find out that that is only a trick of several layers applied. If a man takes this woman with the flawless skin, bright eyes and sexy lips home but then wakes up with that same woman with uneven skin, or heaven forbid blemishes or freckles, smudgy eyes and thinner lips,what then? Is this not some form of deceit? I couldn't blame a man at all for feeling deceived. The answer for some women is to wake up quickly and reapply that face. However, the day will come when that alarm doesn't go off in time or the routine merely becomes tiring and the real you will appear. Personally, I merely feel like showing the real me from the start is the only way to have an honest relationship. I don't want to entrap a man to want me; he has to want the real me, freckles and all.

Another real factor is I just don't want to have to deal with the upkeep of it all. When I am in the sun, I don't want to have to worry about my eyeliner getting smudgy. If it rains, I would miss the beauty of it because I'd be too concerned about the running of my  mascara. Lets not forget the moments of intimacy when the guy wants to touch your face and comes back with a hand smeared by foundation or lipstick of his own. The actual weight and wear of make-up makes me nuts! I also have a keen sense of my age and how the years are flying by so eventually I know that my skin will suffer by the chemicals in this make-up. Ladies, look good now, put your warpaint on but it will come back to haunt you when you reach that age that make-up can no longer hide and in fact, has damaged. 

I certainly wish I had Angelina Jolie's lips(who doesn't?) instead of my normal-sized, if not slightly too small lips. I would love to have one of those gorgeous, perfectly shaped noses instead of my father's that sits on my face. God knows I often wish my green eyes shined as brightly as Milla Jovovich's stunning blue ones. I wonder if there is any woman on the face of the planet that is truly happy with every feature of her body. Nah, I don't really wonder, I know that woman doesn't exist because we are taught that we aren't enough. The make-up commercials, models with bright lights and lots of perfect camera angles make us believe that their beauty must be ours. I don't buy it and lord knows I wish more women felt that way. 

Maybe it will take me longer to find the man that sees my beauty. Maybe women won't look at me and want to be me as they do that make-up laden woman. The thing is... I will know who I am and show the world that I won't hide that person, no matter what the standard of beauty is for the moment. Boldly and with confidence I believe natural beauty is the only one that time will never derail so here I am. 

Brain Orgasm

Isn't it funny how the mind is our most stimulating organ? We can create images in our heads that can physically effect our bodies. Certain words can trigger responses ranging from the very gutteral emotions to the highest of high. In today's society that is even more prevalent with internet dating, long distance relationships and even overseas daliances. It is as if nothing can derail our basic need for love, sex or mere connection. I, personally love this new era of verbal foreplay. In my opinion, it is another medium to ensure that not even distance keeps you from showing your need, love and desire for the one you love. Sure nothing beats that physical touch but in the meantime, life being what it is, it is nice to know that we can make lemonade with the correct formula of lemons...or is this phenomenon taking us away from the traditional and physical need for actual interactions? Is it possible that we have settled for this form of affection because the technology is available in lieu of our former desires?

If you think that this is a perfectly acceptable way to share yourself with someone I urge you to check out this superb blog: http://www.coupledtogether.com/blog/2009/6-steps-to-better-phone-sex/

However, if you feel that affection can only be valid on the physical plain alone then perhaps you should join this Facebook group:http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7037505545

I  urge everyone to decide their own morality. Personally I choose complete and utter freedom for myself, as long as I am with the man I care for but I do not judge for those that would limit that definition of "with". What I would say to that Facebook group and anyone crucifying my opinion is , "get your head out of your ass and live a little!" Life is meant to be lived, mistakes and all.

Be a slut, please!

Saturday my niece turned 17. My goodness I have watched her grow. She was a very spoiled baby but blossomed into a lovely young girl until (cue: dramatic drum roll) teenagedom. From here, although she is still dear to my heart, she has become...hmmm, how to put this nicely...slutty. PS, that word is only being used for clear and effective verbage. That may seem harsh but I don't believe in mincing words when the stakes are high. I discuss this with my niece every chance I get. Truth be told, as I do with her, this is what your teenage years are for. I told her be a slut if you want, but be a safe one. Sure, I could lie to her and tell her abstinence is best but I'd prefer her enjoy her life, rather than live in that horrible state of repression. Repression is indeed a worse condition than any perceived wrongdoing ,in my opinion.Something I was entrenched in as a good Catholic girl and am now paying for. Let me explain.

It is a fact that during the teenage years our hormones are raging out of control. This, not only creates a moral dilemma but plays upon the actual physical body. Between the physical ache of sexual exploration and the inner need for intimacy this time in a young adult's life is for exactly that...exploration. That is not done just for the sake of satiation but rather figuring out our sexual identities. This is a highly important and overlooked part of the growing up process because let's face it, we are created sexual creatures. This must be acknowledged! If we skip this process then, it will return to be reexamined at a less convenient time in our lives, not to mention some confusing years in between.

As is the case for me, at the age of 30 something is not the time to be unsure of what you want and how you want it. This stage in life should be for the obtaining of what we learned as a young adult. Yet here I am 37 years old, in the prime of my sexuality and desiring sex in the most base of ways. Of course it's too late for me to have the sexual freedom my body is yearning for because I have already been brainwashed into believing that sex should be just okay. All my life I was told that good, hot, yummy sex should only happen with the man you love. Now, that I agree with but the question is...what if the man you love isn't good? Well, as a good Catholic girl it was stressed that that isn't the important part so I settle. I deny myself of this aching need that is accosting my body in lieu of salvation. What girls and boys alike need to learn during their formulative years is that sex IS important and it should be a factor in finding the one you want to spend your life with. Satisifying your heart is very important but the body must be included for that to be complete. Young adults must be given full knowledge.

The opposite side of this is abstinence, as I mentioned above. I believe this advice to be highly irresponsible of any sane adult but lets look at what happens when this is enforced. First of all you are lying to these young adults. You are telling them that there is only one valid option, leaving them no room to decide for themselves. Another mode during teenagedom is taking responsibility for their own decisions by learning how to weigh the pros and cons. Giving this flawed advice is disarming them of the ability to choose and become independent. The second most prevalent harm this rhetoric enables is simply the confusion factor. Their bodies are telling them one thing, while the holier than thou adult(whom has probably already had their fill of exploratory sex) is telling them to resist these evil impulses, thus creating a deeply seated guilt that rivals Catholic guilt and will forever make them question their own sexuality.

Sadly, this decision is left up to each parent. I can tell you as a mother and an aunt I choose complete disclosure so as to encourage the young adults in my care to learn and choose a life of their own, even if those lead to the wrong ones. We are all here to learn and that process begins at birth and NEVER ends. I would implore anyone on the fence to consider allowing the human being in your care, under your guidance, to make their own life decisions, thus teaching them true responsibility that comes with the freedom of choice.

Midnight Rant

Ahh, insomnia...could you be my dearest of friends? my constant companion? Like a true friendship there are times I resent you so. Is it wrong to desire someone with the same infliction? I reach out for my phone often and then realize there is no one to call. So, I walk to the living room, turn the tv on; nothing holds my attention there. My next attempt at consolation is a steamy hot bath. That doesn't work for me anymore because my new bathroom has no vents...I never thought I'd say this but it gets too hot in there!

Oh but wait...daytime approaches. Finally sleep comes inconveiniently derailing my entire life plan. Oh well...Zzzzzz

Merry-go-Round

I've come to another crossroads in my life so it seems(who says only men have mid-life crises?). I have a restlessness deep inside that I can't pin point. There is a knocking, a rattling emptiness inside me that begs for acknowledgement. I can't figure out its source as of yet, but I have many to choose from. Maybe it's the move and change of environment. Maybe it's that my stalker has returned. Maybe it's...no more than likely, it has a lot to do with my health issues. Then in true causality the financial difficulties that follow may be a huge part of my current state. Of course fifty percent of this is more than likely because a man I thought loved me, knew me, planned a life with is now happily living his life without me.

Nevertheless the reason, this has brought about changes I'm exasperated with accepting. I have paused in my writings. I have quit two of my favorite MMO's. I have slipped up on my new and improved lifestyle with food. These are all things that have made me happy and I can't seem to reclaim that right now. I find myself becoming insecure about things that are a great source of joy in the past. This makes me angry! Yes, I said it...I am ANGRY with myself...with life...with God because I am allowing something temporary to dampen my spirit.

My writing gives me more than pleasure than I think any one person will ever understand (except maybe a fellow writer). I used to wake up, every morning with a myriad of thoughts that I couldn't wait to put pen to. I walked, sometimes practically crawled to my computer before seeing the light of day to tap out exactly what was on my mind. Don't get me wrong those thoughts are still very much in my head but now I find myself doubting their appeal to others. In my mind I become overly critical about the style in which I write or the structure of each post. This caused my hands to pause, while my mind becomes this battleground for clarity.

As I said, I just cancelled World of Warcraft and informed my guild mates that I didn't know when or if I'd be back. City of Heroes was another game that no longer calls out to me. This game was an amazing outlet for my creativity and a continued attempt at honing my social skills. For that matter both of these games are a huge component in meeting new people...fighting the urge to be a loner that is a strong one within me.

I hate even writing this but they say to free oneself you must first name the pain, yes? So here we go...I have started going through drive-thrus again. Specifically the greasy, nasty burgers that I had given up for several months  now call my name as I drive by again. There is nothing good about them and I know this. Truth be told they don't even taste good. I think it's the grease that addicts us or the fatty condiments. Ew, that was gross to type, to think about, but it must be said to overcome...I think.

My insecurities are such that they will not even allow me to specify, even here, my safe place of words. Suffice it to say they whisper doubts with almost every move I make or phrase I begin to utter or write.

Rereading this post for errors filled me with anger. Seeing these pathetic confessions makes my body tremble in defiance. I am NOT this person! I am a strong woman with an even stronger mind and imagination that will not be reigned in. I am going to write no matter who or if anyone finds it to their taste. I am not going to allow my stalker any influence over my life because 'it' doesn't matter to my world. I am going to game as I desire with no thoughts of whether or not my friends will come with me. I will not eat another greasy burger because my body truly is my temple and as such I will not defile it with junk. I will fight this melancholy with the strength of my neverending spirit. It matters not that I even truly understand the source. I am determined to be the positive spirit that my soul desires. That begins with the acceptance of all my doubts, desires and failings, as well as continuing the things that bring me fulfillment. The End or rather...Continuing....