I've come to another crossroads in my life so it seems(who says only men have mid-life crises?). I have a restlessness deep inside that I can't pin point. There is a knocking, a rattling emptiness inside me that begs for acknowledgement. I can't figure out its source as of yet, but I have many to choose from. Maybe it's the move and change of environment. Maybe it's that my stalker has returned. Maybe it's...no more than likely, it has a lot to do with my health issues. Then in true causality the financial difficulties that follow may be a huge part of my current state. Of course fifty percent of this is more than likely because a man I thought loved me, knew me, planned a life with is now happily living his life without me.
Nevertheless the reason, this has brought about changes I'm exasperated with accepting. I have paused in my writings. I have quit two of my favorite MMO's. I have slipped up on my new and improved lifestyle with food. These are all things that have made me happy and I can't seem to reclaim that right now. I find myself becoming insecure about things that are a great source of joy in the past. This makes me angry! Yes, I said it...I am ANGRY with myself...with life...with God because I am allowing something temporary to dampen my spirit.
My writing gives me more than pleasure than I think any one person will ever understand (except maybe a fellow writer). I used to wake up, every morning with a myriad of thoughts that I couldn't wait to put pen to. I walked, sometimes practically crawled to my computer before seeing the light of day to tap out exactly what was on my mind. Don't get me wrong those thoughts are still very much in my head but now I find myself doubting their appeal to others. In my mind I become overly critical about the style in which I write or the structure of each post. This caused my hands to pause, while my mind becomes this battleground for clarity.
As I said, I just cancelled World of Warcraft and informed my guild mates that I didn't know when or if I'd be back. City of Heroes was another game that no longer calls out to me. This game was an amazing outlet for my creativity and a continued attempt at honing my social skills. For that matter both of these games are a huge component in meeting new people...fighting the urge to be a loner that is a strong one within me.
I hate even writing this but they say to free oneself you must first name the pain, yes? So here we go...I have started going through drive-thrus again. Specifically the greasy, nasty burgers that I had given up for several months now call my name as I drive by again. There is nothing good about them and I know this. Truth be told they don't even taste good. I think it's the grease that addicts us or the fatty condiments. Ew, that was gross to type, to think about, but it must be said to overcome...I think.
My insecurities are such that they will not even allow me to specify, even here, my safe place of words. Suffice it to say they whisper doubts with almost every move I make or phrase I begin to utter or write.
Rereading this post for errors filled me with anger. Seeing these pathetic confessions makes my body tremble in defiance. I am NOT this person! I am a strong woman with an even stronger mind and imagination that will not be reigned in. I am going to write no matter who or if anyone finds it to their taste. I am not going to allow my stalker any influence over my life because 'it' doesn't matter to my world. I am going to game as I desire with no thoughts of whether or not my friends will come with me. I will not eat another greasy burger because my body truly is my temple and as such I will not defile it with junk. I will fight this melancholy with the strength of my neverending spirit. It matters not that I even truly understand the source. I am determined to be the positive spirit that my soul desires. That begins with the acceptance of all my doubts, desires and failings, as well as continuing the things that bring me fulfillment. The End or rather...Continuing....
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