Athena, the savior?

Athena's contribution to Christmas 2012. As well, on The Apocalyptic doomsday of December 21st, she continued to lay there in utter disregard, attempting to dissuade me from any irrational worry. Ahhh, Athena, what would we all do without you.

All joking aside, Athena does calm me, often. She is aware of my moods and often jumps into my lap, or my bed, or my dinner plate, just when I'm beginning to feel panic or worry. The habitual and insistence of my hand running smoothly across her places me into a tranquil state that has little to nothing to do with her personal pleasure. No, my girl here, is a soulmate of mine. She knows when I need her. Just like I know when she needs me to change her litter, feed and water her, having nothing to do with her cacophony of mewing, that sounds as if she is DYING.

Perhaps this symbiotic relationship could be better phrased parasitic but nevertheless, she is one of the soul's that I have chosen to travel with in this life. Thank you Athena girl...now get off the couch!

Skip the ticket!

So, yeah, I'm a bit of a speed demon. Sometimes that isn't on purpose....sometimes....maybe, my car and I want to stretch it out a bit. Despite the absolute exhilaration I feel at fast speeds, there is a little prude in the back of my mind and eyeballs that is constantly watching for cops. I hate tickets, don't you? One of the worst parts is the way they have the ability to make you feel like a child being reprimanded. The money is a big pain in the butt too. You can imagine, when I found this article, I was thrilled. I thought about you immediately as well.

By Glenn Ruppel reported on Yahoo.com

Every driver hates getting a ticket. So when you are pulled over, how do you minimize the damage to your wallet?

First, realize the risk of serious danger to the officer is quite real.

"Cops get killed on car stops," said Jerry Kane, 53, a retired New York Police Department officer. Kane said if you're pulled over, you should realize the officer will be on high alert.

Watch the full story - including more dramatic secrets from cops and other professions - on "20/20: True Confessions" Friday at 10 p.m. ET

"The most dangerous thing to the cop when he comes up to the car are the hands of someone, because they could hold a weapon," he said.

Drivers and passengers have been known to come out shooting, a fact cops are well aware of as they walk up to your vehicle.

"If he can see everybody's hands, immediately his blood pressure goes down, his pulse gets a bit slower," Kane said. "If it's nighttime, turn on the interior lights in your car. If it's night or day, lower all the windows on your car. … And put your hands up on the steering wheel - high, where the cop can see them."

This may make the officer more understanding and lenient, Kane said.

"If you were gonna get some discretion, you now set up that possibility."

The officer may then ask if you know what you did wrong. Kane said to be apologetic, but don't feel you have to admit anything.

"You can play dumb. You can say, 'What did I do?' And if he tells you what you did, you could say, 'I must have…you know, I just didn't realize it,'" Kane said.

Does it work to cry?

"Only for women," Kane said, laughing.

What if she shows a little leg?

"Since men and women were created, attractive women get more breaks," Kane said.

Finally, do as Kane does: keep your speed less than 10 miles per hour over the limit.

"If you were my brother or my cousin and asked me, that's what I would tell you."

Watch the full story - including more dramatic secrets from cops and other professions - on "20/20: True Confessions" Friday at 10 p.m. ET

Hey it can't hurt, right? Minus the showing your leg...ummm, eternal damnation! If you believe in that kind of stuff. hahaha

This has been a service announcement from Speeders Annonymous.

2012 Beats Racism

Hallelujah, Obama Won!!! Thank you God, thank you America.

Racism has been beat.
Ignorance did not convince the right people.
History will be documented in the right way.
Our nation, has a chance now.
I'm so happy, thank you EVERY woman that voted, Thank you every ethnicity that voted. White people, the ones that voted due to color...haha IN YOUR FACE...this is the 21st Century...Racism is DEAD, die with it!!!!

Texting Manners

Admittedly, I came late to the world of texting. About four  years ago, I had no clue what that term barely meant. I heard it being used all over the place. Upon first hearing it, I thought it was some kind of option with a very fancy, expensive phone that involved code. haha....No, really!

I don't remember how it happened, I just began. It might have been with the first time I got a phone that was worth more than a piece of gum. Maybe it was when I finally gave up on the idea of a landline. Whatever the event, I can't stop now.

I love texting but there are some disclaimers to that. In the beginning, I refused to give up on complete sentences. I was determined not to fall into that lazy generation that forgets how to spell the world laugh, using lol instead. Is it just me or is everyone "laughing out loud", so often, a bit far fetched?? I used actual punctuation marks. You know those funny little dots that look ink stained? I kept that up for a good year, I suppose, mocking those that btw'd and lol'd entirely too much and then...it happened....I gave in...I sold out!

That said, I still believe there is a texting etiquette to be followed to some extent. I'm beginning to think , I am the only one of this mind though. Texting is a shortcut to a conversation. It is what we have, throughout the day when we can't take the time out to have the hour(s) long talks we used to. Concentrate on my nouns here: Conversation and talks. In a real live conversation, there is a beginning and clear end. With texting, shouldn't that be the same, at the very least?

Here is how my text conversations go: We start with a traditional, hello, hi, how are you, etc. Then there is random info/questions, out of order and lacking in adjectives often. I'm good with the middle parts. However the end, is often left behind. The "conversation" just ends without closure. My only identifier to this is the time that passes by with no reply.

I'm sorry, how hard is a "i've got to go" or "sorry, busy" or "cya, later" and the list could go on and on of simple typing phrases that would surely not strain even the busiest or most metropolitan of texters.

Am I being silly to want to know that a shared string of consciousness has come to an end? Is it really so unreasonable to just say bye? Personally,I don't think so but, I do recognize that I might very well be a dying breed of people that remember the importance of manners, no matter the medium. 

Thinking....

So I'm an overthinker....

 

Instinctively, I like to be loving, giving, open. In order to do that, I attempt to figure out what that person's love language is, how they express and learn things so I'm an effective communicator. These things all form to create the over thinker, I am. Yes, the thinking process of it all is where the doubts and questions begin to form, that cause utter chaos in my mind and heart. I am so focused on trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can that I'm constantly reevaluating, adjusting my thoughts and limits. I have this fear that if  I stopped overthinking, I believe I would be less loving/giving/communicative. It makes me feel pretty scattered, but at the exact same time, I'm proud that I'm open. 

 

Of course the optimal way to live is to give your love freely, with no sense of expectation or reciprocation. I want to be that so very bad, but I can't seem to do it. It happens at first when I meet someone. My instinctual nature is to give of myself, maybe too much. I say too much because, sadly, it doesn't take long before the other person begins to expect this...so they don't have to work for it anymore.  They begin talking less, doing those sweet little things less, writing less, saying all those things a woman needs to hear LESS ; that list can go on and on and on. I think it is in our nature to take advantage of what is given, especially if given too freely. I see that as a fact, but if I were a better person, this wouldn't matter to me. I'd do it anyway, as Mother Teresa says.  

 

I'm at a crux, that has been the case for years now....do I turn a blind eye to the realities of the world....the things you can bet on, like being used or abused, etc and continue to do good for the world, despite it all or....keep yourself safe by reacting to the things that go on around you? Even worse, do I  keep my guard preventing me from being who I want to be because someone might hurt me?

 

I wish I could decide. Any ideas? I wonder how other people are authentic to their true selves, because me, I struggle. Perhaps putting it here, out into the cosmos will bring me back the energy to do my best.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

originally bye Kent M. Keith

 

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. 

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. 

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. 

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. 

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. 

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. 

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. 

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. 

It was never between you and them anyway.

____________________________

 

Al Athena Stani

My cat is a terrorist!! She is; when she wants food, that is it...she will rub all over you...she will wrap around your legs, trying to make you move towards her food, essentially tripping you. Then after and while, she will meow, this high pitched sound that sounds similiar to a baby's cry. No, I researched this...cats KNOW this. They know that women, especially are designed to be motivated by those cries. She is a terrible soul come back from my past life to reap revenge upon me, I'm sure of it.  She followed me into my room meowing and I kept telling her NO. She wouldn't stop so I said get out. She usually obeys, but not this time so I began shooing her with my hands. I got more aggressive, waving my hands, forgetting my phone was in it and ...BAM, face first it went on my hardwood floors. Cracked to pieces. The picture of it will make you cry.

On the brightside, I may very well have a great future in baseball.

Part of US

Yep, I just watched the Katy Perry movie....SO?!!!

I liked her music, ok. Some of it is even quite amazing but mostly, meh. However this movie, who she is....just reminds me, how beautiful we all are. How no matter what you know about a person, you don't know everything. They cry, like I do. They suffer and sin and love and rejoice. No one is immune to this. 

Power Plays

What a weekend. I didn't go anywhere because I had family obligations. However, in my mind, there was lots of traveling. I revisited some music in my eclectic library. It was fun to wade through all those illega....I mean, perfectly legally, paid for downloads. I have stuff from bands, kids these days won't ever know to one hit wonders of yore. I mean is Tiffany, still alive? Pfft, who knows but I liked "All this Time". Hey remember when Brenda played her Piano in the dark or the other Brenda, still believed? Maybe she believed that Brenda could play her piano in the dark, I'm doubtful. Joe told me he wanted to know what turned me on and hey Boy George confessed to being a Chameleon. Who knew, back then, what that was code for?? Wait, we always knew, right?

Funny how this generation, maybe every one, believes they are the inventors of music. My son, in particular believes that no one loves music as much as he. It is his "thing". haha This just proves the power of music. How it can make you believe in anything...create an emotion, that becomes a reality in your mind, if only while the song plays. I wish the powers that be, recognized this more. Music, could be the tool that bridges us all. The thing that uncovers the secret to the 90% of our brains that is locked up. Hell, it could even be the cure for Cancer, if applied properly.

Yep, Brenda...I still believe. 

Caste system shooters?

http://gma.yahoo.com/baltimore-school-shooting-victim-downs-syndrome-134105244--abc-news-topstories.html

Seriously? The first day of school for hundreds of children in Baltimore. A lonely, bullied boy decides that he can't hack life, and on his way out, wants to take some people with him. We've heard this story before, sadly. Oftentimes, the perpetrator is looked at with some sympathy but this time, because he happened to hit a child with Down's Syndrome, he is not worthy of our weak society's normal empathy. This time that syndrome is transferred to this "special" victim. Enough of a rundown for ya? Now, let me tell you what is wrong in this scenario:

ONE, hundreds of children and parents will be victimized by this shooting. Whether they were there or not, hit or not. It could have just as easily been a "normal" student hit. Would that have made it any less important? Well the journalist of this story, seems to think so. Might I say-- for shame!! I guess it makes a better story for the bleeding hearts suckers that believe there should be special considerations.

Similarly, this coward of a kid, gets the label of potential victim by even mentioning he was bullied. When the hell did it happen that our society Pansy-assed out and decided that kids, and come on lets face it...young adults, were incapable of handling bullying?  Its been around as long as people come together in one area and will remain. Now by no means am I condoning it, at all but face reality, its going to happen. In fact, perhaps a bit contrarily here, it will strengthen some kids. You can bet your ass some of the greatest minds of our world, our history were picked on for the very thing that made them amazing. Did they buckle? GO on a killing spree? No, they took that challenge and made it harden their reserve to be who they become.

This was a tragic event and please believe I am sympathetic for ALL concerned but I couldn't allow the propaganda to go unchecked in this telling of it. 

Dear Neil

Neil, for some reason you are on my mind lately. In truth, you are never very far from it often. I never told you, just how you saved my life, how I know that you were the soul I needed, right then, for that moment in time and I know that now. However, my dear, it doesn't help me wish you were meant for more. I miss you. I love you, always. 

Once upon a time there was a young girl full of love and trust. It was a certain young man that made the stars come into her eyes. It was he, that made her smile emanate from every fiber of her being. They came together and made a little bundle of joy. They almost had their happily ever after but neither of them knew that the young girl's love was not enough to keep his demons at bay. Not only did this man, the one she thought of her dreams, wrestle with his own devil but he became hers. Day after day, when there wasn't anger and yelling, there was hurting and bruising.Yet, still the silly girl believed she could endure him...she could help him seee. This lasted 7 long years before the girl could take no more. She had begun to seek comfort in the form of a computer. 

It was 1999, my very first computer. If you remember AOL ruled the ISP's and made it seem that the only real use for the internet was "chatting". I don't really recall where I met Neil. Crazy that I don't but we became instant friends. I was 27 and he 57(he lied too and told me 52 for quite awhile as if that would make a difference). He was my friend, I assure you, nothing else. He lived in Australia, while I was here in a little ol town of Benson, NC. Our worlds were as far away as they could be. He was there at nights when my husband was nowhere to be found. He was there talking to me, consoling me, making me feel cared for in a very paternal way. I clung to him. 

Then the night came. May 2000. My husband walked in the door, obviously high and looking for a fight. I was at the computer, talking with Neil. I typed fast to him, explaining the situation. Neil told me not to leave the keyboard, not to turn around, to keep typing to him. He had already taken my address down and was prepared to call an ambulance and the cops if I did not respond often. I don't know how that worked but my husband wouldn't touch me. He just kept yelling. Finally he packed his things and stormed out of the house. Now he had done this many times. My role was to stop and beg and plead and get  hit along the way to not leave. Neil, somehow...a million miles away held me in place at the computer. I let the monster leave my life! For weeks after he came back and begged back, broke in and hit all over again. It was Neil that first suggested the restraining order and so he saved my life again. 

The order hardly stopped him since we had a son, so my sister and I bought a house and moved very far away, without him knowing where. About 7 months later Neil announced he had daughters there in the US and other friends so he would like to stop in and see me too. I was overjoyed of course! PS, Neil,  made it very clear that he was not about "romancing" me due to our age difference. That was never, ever on the table. I hadn't dreamed of it either. Neil was my protector, my ....hero. The day comes. I goto the airport having no clue what a life altering moment this was to be.

I couldn't find him anywhere. I knew his plane had landed but I couldn't find him. You could still go all the way to the gate then. He called me on his phone and I said, "I'm here" at the same time I heard a man say"where". We passed each other and then turned around....It was like ...something straight out of a love story but again there was no romantic love...not yet. Then we touched...we hugged one another as if our lives depended on it. In that moment, something bloomed. Something changed. There was this amazing electricity and warmth. He and I both felt it. 

He came home that day wth me and stayed for over a month, until his VISA ran out. Everyday was filled with love like I had never known. He was my absolute world. He had to leave me there at the airport with my eyes pouring tears but with the solemn(at least at the time) promise that he would come back for me. That we would marry and live in this happiness forever. 

He never came back. Suffice it to say for the next several weeks I walked around like a zombie. It was far worse than losing my husband. I felt like he had taken a chunk of my soul with him and I would never be the same. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I just sat on the couch or on my bed and stared out, waiting for him to return. He never did. My sister took charge and somehow brought me back to life. 

All my life, I'll never know what happened. Was it the age difference that made him change his mind? Was it the locations change and rearranging of our lives? Or...the dark thought that crawls in and infects me...did he ever really love me or was I that young thing that he made his. I don't believe that last one. I can't! I felt the love; It was real when it was real. I ask my sister often too. She always tells me that she saw the love in his eyes for me. She always assures me. 

Seeking Me

Lord all my life I have been questioning...everything. I feel like even as a small child I believed there was more than I could see; more than my little life presented. If anyone reading this relates then you'll understand what I mean when I say, "I'm exhausted:".

Changing my mind about God and traditional religious beliefs has only led to more questions, besides my mother's complete lack of understanding and a sense of betrayal. For that matter, the people who get close enough (few) to hear my opinions on this seem to be at odds with my thoughts. This leads to misconceptions as to who I am in their eyes.  In the quest for finding myself it appears I alienate people. Sometimes that makes me feel even further apart when unity is actually what I'm seeking.

Psychology is a very dear subject to me. However, in my hands it feels like a dangerous tool. Popular Psychology tells me that there are specific things that make us who we are and that they can be determined with close study. My spiritual self tells me that I have to get these preconceived thoughts out of my head so that I can intuit what is really going on with others, myself and situations. It is quite the dilemma.

Recently, I have begun to halfheartedly wish I were not this person looking desperately to be the best me. Sometimes I envy others that accept life as it comes with such a casual degree that I have never, ever once known. What if I have spent my whole life trying to get as close to my higher self as I can, only to have missed out on the human being I am here now? Every now and again I just have to ask, "which me is it that I am seeking?"

News Flash

Opie is dead. What is that line about..."putting away childish things"? I guess my time has finally come. It has been made clear to me that what I thought was, is not what was. I'm ready to move on but at the same time I am extremely sad and a bit afraid. Starting all over again only to face this end again...why bother? They say it's worth the risk. I hope they are right. 

New Spots

Anyone that knows me even fairly well, knows I am completely anti-Facebook. I used to be quite the MySpace user because I enjoyed the creativity of it but that didn't last. I joined a zodiac website but that was a disaster thanks to an outsider.  One of the things I keep seeking is a place where I can express my creativity via words, poetry or just blogging...express myself. However, the need for an audience, some feedback is also crucial for my growth. Perhaps it shouldn't be but nevertheless I crave human consumption, like any good Narcissus.

I've found a new place. It's called SpiritualNetworks.com. Here, I am exercising my need to post and be viewed, while also working on decreasing that need by amplifying my spiritual strength and personal growth. Funny how in a world taking us so much further apart from one another than ever, we still invent these ways to keep in contact and extend our personal worlds. You may find me simply by my name if you wish to join me on this wonderful new website. 

its good to be wrong

For days I have been dreading Saturday. It was this day that a trainer I had previously worked with was coming out to help me reconfigure my equip(for Lymphedema). The day I first met Tracy was one of extreme ...drama? I had received the worst news I thought I could-I had Lymphedema in my legs and this was a chronic disease. While trying to process that news, I had to endure this woman's "straight forward" kind of attitude, as she explained to me. I was so emotional at this time that personally, I hardly saw her as human with the insensitive way she was trudging on. I was brought to tears over and over, although I desperately tried to hide that fact. You can well imagine I never wanted to see her again. 

Then I called for help and she was the responder coming to my home. For days I have been nervous, scared and planning a rebellion in my mind. Days of stress, hours trapped in my mind , preparing for a future event that I did not know the outcome but was so sure it would be negative, as if I were a prophet. 

Today is Sunday. I'm here and ...it went beautifully. Tracy was nice, understanding and the biggest comment of them all is she solved my problem!

All those hours and days of stress I can't erase but hopefully next time I come against an unknown event, I will remember yesterday. So much waste of emotion. So, yeah sometimes I am glad I was wrong.

The way of the gentleman

There is a weird, maybe even creepy phenomenon in my life. I tend to look for older men. The more accurate statement would be that I am attracted to older men, period.  When I say older it varies. It has only been the difference of 3-5 years but it has also been 7+years older and twice now 20+years older. Eww, did you say? Yep, I get it.  When I think back to those times I have often wondered what drove me to that.

Upon first inspection it seems an obvious case of daddy issues. However, I have come to a very peaceful place with my father. One that allows me no real anger or regret for my upbringing. This is what happened to me; this is how the God in me saw fit to experience my childhood ;this is a part of my past and thereby an element of how I came to be the me that I am, currently. So mark Daddy issues off the list!

It hit me just the other day that the reason I prefer older men is because they tend to be of my way of thinking. Sure age, is just a number (blah, blah) but the older the more it does increase the odds of an older-fashioned mind as I am. To be more blunt...there is more of a chance of finding a true gentleman, rather than the modernized way of thinking of men today.

I don't know if there is anymore I can say about that. I guess I'm just a woman stuck in a time period in which I don't belong. 

To be depressed or not to be...

Yes, I am depressed and if you aren't then maybe you aren't living. That said, I would never allow a professional to diagnosis me so. In a world so full of crime, abuse, and too many other injustices to name, how could one not be effected, I ask. The only exception to this rule would be if you just don't pay attention to your world.

Depression has become a common label placed on well over half of the world, especially the United States. Dictionary.com defines Depression as, "a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason." 


Here are some common statistics associated with Depression as noted by url: Depressionhelpspot.com:

• Depression often exists with other diseases, including chronic pain, arthritis, diabetes and HIV patients.
• Depression is also known to weaken the immune system, making the body more susceptible to other medical illnesses.
• People with depression are four times as likely to develop a heart attack than those without a history of the illness. After a heart attack, they are at a significantly increased risk of death or second heart attack.
• 25% of cancer patients experience depression.
• 10-27% of post-stroke patients experience depression.
• 1 in 3 heart attack survivors experience depression.
• Almost half of all patients with Parkinson's suffer from depression, ranging from mild to moderate.
• Approximately one of every two patients with an eating disorder suffers from major or clinical depression.
• 27% of individuals with substance abuse disorders (both alcohol and other substances) experience depression.

The one thing all the above have in common is they are crappy situations! Come on, who has cancer and thinks happy thoughts? I'll tell you not freaking many. The small percentage of human beings that could hear that news without feeling sadness, dejection or withdrawal don't exist! Sure you can get past it, not allow the depression to take over your life but initially and periodically a normal person will feel depressed in bouts. That is called situational depression and should not be confused with real mental illness. 

Personally I believe that clinical depression is a choice and therefore not categorized as an illness. In my opinion, depression is a state you allow yourself to sink into, rather than fight the darkness that invades our lives. It is an emotional state that can be controlled and overcome. That said, I  understand it isn't an easy process. It takes an amount of strength tantamount to a God, at times. It takes a confidence in  yourself and/or the osmotic effect of a support system firmly in your life. The overall thought I want to clearly state is that it can be done...and without drugs. 

I fully believe the real secret is understanding that depression happens. Embrace those moments, but make sure not to live in them. When the bad stuff happens, that is the sign of need for change. Inevitably, goodness comes soon after. No change is brought about without a stimulus and sadly it is normally a traumatic event that  best energizes that movement. 

In conclusion, my revelation for the weekend was, yeah, I'm depressed and frig, why aren't you?