Today is the day. We are moving. Before today it has been boxes and bags and those terrible decisions to be made of trash or not to trash. Funny, how I actually love moving into a new home but hate the actual moving part. Not so funny, I suppose! The thing is I actually( I might say actually too much) do love the unpacking part...finding a new spot..a new arrangement to old things. I'm excited! (something might be wrong with me)
This might be my last blog for a bit too because our internet service won't get put up for days at the new home. UGH! I don't know how I'll live without it. Gosh, I guess this means I actually have to be efficient and stuff. I might even wander out doors at my own risk. I hear there is this shiny thing in the sky that gives nutrients. I might give it a shot. Wish me luck!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
I must have done something good...
For some time now I have been researching the steps it is going to take to build my dream home. I've written about this goal many times because it is crucial to the success of my life. I've gotten a book that tells me the style of houses. I've gotten a book that is specific to bathroom design, floor types,wood beaming. I've poured over, compared and priced floor plans. Last but not least, I have prayed that I can make this dream come true.
Thursday, one of those strange "the Lord works in mysterious ways" event presented itself. I was offered my grandparents house--paid for, no rent and even leniency of no lights or water switched over for a month while I get situated. It is not necessarily my dream home but it is a beautiful big house, out in the country where I have fond memories. My son and I are so excited, words hardly can express. The biggest part of all of this is the blessing factor. Daniel and I had began having some really tough times. I was truly at my wit's end living paycheck to paycheck to make all my ends meet. Then ...this happened. I don't even know what to say. This has rarely happened to me. Somebody is looking out for me, obviously.
Thank you to everyone that prayed, hoped and loved me through this trying time. I will be able to give back now. I'll be able to see that life is so much more than these little things that seemed like a world-ender.
Thursday, one of those strange "the Lord works in mysterious ways" event presented itself. I was offered my grandparents house--paid for, no rent and even leniency of no lights or water switched over for a month while I get situated. It is not necessarily my dream home but it is a beautiful big house, out in the country where I have fond memories. My son and I are so excited, words hardly can express. The biggest part of all of this is the blessing factor. Daniel and I had began having some really tough times. I was truly at my wit's end living paycheck to paycheck to make all my ends meet. Then ...this happened. I don't even know what to say. This has rarely happened to me. Somebody is looking out for me, obviously.
Thank you to everyone that prayed, hoped and loved me through this trying time. I will be able to give back now. I'll be able to see that life is so much more than these little things that seemed like a world-ender.
Arguments, Lies and Drama, Oh my!
I don't know how to argue. Every time I have an argument I think two things: Either one of us sees the other persons point of view, aka gives in or neither one of us will budge so there is only one option, to split. Let's be honest, how often are people willing to admit they are wrong. Even better how about getting someone to admit that they aren't right or wrong anymore than I am. That brings us to the rare third option.This endangered species is to be adults and accept that we have differing opinions that we should both be able to respect. Ooopsy I just used that horrible S word, should. In reality, option number three is an awesome task. Ego must be taken out for one. Also you must examine the disagreement itself, its structure. If the two people (or more) stayed on the task of the topic then it might be salvageable but, if it became an attack on the person, rather than the subject, you have neglected the battle for a war. If this happens, and I must say it invariably does, then the healing process is longer because it has become personal.
I think this began as a child seeing my parents "disagree" to violent proportions, even though they survived all that into their comfy middle-aged lifestyles now. My parents actually made their arguments sound like a competition. One seemed to attempt to reach a more threatening plateau than the other. It went so wrong that they even claimed they wouldn't leave just in spite of the other. Yes, you read that correctly. My mother said she would not leave because that would give my father the peace that he didn't deserve. Similarly my father said he wouldn't give my mom the satisfaction of leaving. Their simple disagreements always became epic battles,ending in hurt and base behavior. That right there is a funny little sidenote: my parents have been together for 30 something years now just to win an argument.
I never wanted it to be that way for me so I am always ready to say, lets just stop this right now. Unfortunately, I inherited my parents' Irish tempers so that moment of rationale doesn't always reach me before things are past the point of no return. More often than not, I am left backpedaling to find a safe way to exit the situation. For me the next step is a process of extended reflection that I must do alone. The time away is my attempt to see an alternative to never speaking to this person again. Truthfully, the easy answer of just leaving is foremost in my mind but I do fight it. I examine where the conversation took its turn for the worst, what my part in it all was and if or how it could have been prevented or will be in the future.
As much as I love the idea of a debate, shaking people out of their humdrum opinions which are often merely repeated ones from others, and giving my own self important thoughts, I hate arguments! There is a distinguishable difference between debating and arguing but it appears I can't seem to find that place so...back to the drawing board.
I think this began as a child seeing my parents "disagree" to violent proportions, even though they survived all that into their comfy middle-aged lifestyles now. My parents actually made their arguments sound like a competition. One seemed to attempt to reach a more threatening plateau than the other. It went so wrong that they even claimed they wouldn't leave just in spite of the other. Yes, you read that correctly. My mother said she would not leave because that would give my father the peace that he didn't deserve. Similarly my father said he wouldn't give my mom the satisfaction of leaving. Their simple disagreements always became epic battles,ending in hurt and base behavior. That right there is a funny little sidenote: my parents have been together for 30 something years now just to win an argument.
I never wanted it to be that way for me so I am always ready to say, lets just stop this right now. Unfortunately, I inherited my parents' Irish tempers so that moment of rationale doesn't always reach me before things are past the point of no return. More often than not, I am left backpedaling to find a safe way to exit the situation. For me the next step is a process of extended reflection that I must do alone. The time away is my attempt to see an alternative to never speaking to this person again. Truthfully, the easy answer of just leaving is foremost in my mind but I do fight it. I examine where the conversation took its turn for the worst, what my part in it all was and if or how it could have been prevented or will be in the future.
As much as I love the idea of a debate, shaking people out of their humdrum opinions which are often merely repeated ones from others, and giving my own self important thoughts, I hate arguments! There is a distinguishable difference between debating and arguing but it appears I can't seem to find that place so...back to the drawing board.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Lies in Politics? OMG!!!
Guess what...I don't care that Weiner showed his wang to someone on Twitter. As long as that person, be it male or female were consenting of it, I could care less. I do not believe a public figure's personal life has to impact his politics. I am finding it hard to focus on how to simplify my position. Lets resort to the old cliche about behind closed doors. No one knows who the freaks are while walking around in your daily lives and why should you? If we were held to the same standard as public figures I'm sure many of us would be shamed, stoned or whatever it seems we are attempting to resort to when verbally flogging Mr.Weiner. He was quoted to have given an apology to Bill Clinton. I have no idea why but I have a feeling he felt a kinship of sorts. Another human being...a flawed man, persecuted for matters that are beyond private.
Lets explore that horrible era when a very good president was impeached for a private act. A historical moment based on something that no law should dictate!! I don't even care that he lied "to the American People" as so many self-righteous hypocrites hissed. I would have lied too! In order to protect my privacy, heck ya I'd lie. It was no one's business what he does in his private time.One of the ideals that is spouted is that because he lie about this, he would lie in his government dealings, foreign affairs, etc. Let me tell you so plainly your head may spin...You bet your ass he is going to lie. We are talking about politicians...they all lie! It is their job to lie to us and to others in order to protect the greater good. Do we really want to know each time our safety has been so close to taken? If you want to argue the pure morality route then I would say we don't know what Hilary and him have going on. For all we know(really do NOT know) they could very well have an agreement, an open marriage of sorts. Again, if that is the agreement between two consenting adults is it not our place to wave the judgement flag.
By no means am I saying I personally approve of either men's actions but what I am saying that it is not my place to decide. It is their life! We do not own that part of them, merely because their job happens to be making laws.
Lets explore that horrible era when a very good president was impeached for a private act. A historical moment based on something that no law should dictate!! I don't even care that he lied "to the American People" as so many self-righteous hypocrites hissed. I would have lied too! In order to protect my privacy, heck ya I'd lie. It was no one's business what he does in his private time.One of the ideals that is spouted is that because he lie about this, he would lie in his government dealings, foreign affairs, etc. Let me tell you so plainly your head may spin...You bet your ass he is going to lie. We are talking about politicians...they all lie! It is their job to lie to us and to others in order to protect the greater good. Do we really want to know each time our safety has been so close to taken? If you want to argue the pure morality route then I would say we don't know what Hilary and him have going on. For all we know(really do NOT know) they could very well have an agreement, an open marriage of sorts. Again, if that is the agreement between two consenting adults is it not our place to wave the judgement flag.
By no means am I saying I personally approve of either men's actions but what I am saying that it is not my place to decide. It is their life! We do not own that part of them, merely because their job happens to be making laws.
A kiss by any other name
I love kissing...BUT, I truly enjoy a particular kind of kiss. I call it the progressive kiss. The name, although not unique, is indeed indicitive of the style. In gamerspeak this particular kiss would be akin to leveling up. It should always begin with the slow drawing inwards to each other, faces close, lightly caressing the face or hair. Ahh, that moment I feel his breath mingling with mine. Just a milisecond of time before our lips touch it is as if our souls are mingling, then Ahhh....Impact begins with the casual exploring of only each lip. Bringing each one into anothers, capturing it and savoring the taste and feel of your love. I would be almost perfectly happy to stay in this mode for the whole kiss but normally the passion builds so that the tongue must be introduced. It is here were so many kisses go wrong for me. I don't like the aggressive tongue. I don't like it being plunged into my throat as if exacting vengenance. For me I prefer the tongue to tease and encourage more intimacy in other parts of the body. Okay, Okay, I'll stop there. I'm starting to need a rating, if I keep this up.
Prologue:
I'm reading the sequel to the classic story of Gone with the Wind, titled, "Scarlett". In that and the orginal novel, Scarlett's lifes blood, her source of energy and power seems to come from her ancestral home, Tara. I remember fully understanding her drive to fight for her home. Unwittingly, my need for my own home might have been influenced by Scarlett's obsessive behavior over her own home.
My One Need, Chapter 1
Truthfully, there are many reasons why a house, my own home is a driving need in my life. One my parents never owned theirs until they were nearly 40 and I was well out from under them. Leases were always coming up, prices going up; all causing us to move more often than I liked as a child. It made for an unstable life in which I craved a sense of security, but was denied. Therefore, it stands to reason that I am seeking something in a home that was missing in my childhood, dependability, stability and a secure place.
The next clear moment when realized a home was mandatory for my life was when I walked into Dancing Moon Bookstore. The place radiated warmth. As soon as I walked in the door I had a sense of peace perpetuated by the incense permeating the whole building. Then you hear the tinkle of wind chimes made vibrant with a gentle breeze produced by perfectly placed fans to create a most joyous sound. These sounds...these smells actually changed my emotional state to one of pure joy. Even now, every time I walk in there I am bombarded with tranquility, almost against my will, pleasantly so. Therefore, I knew that I wanted to recreate this beauty in my own daily living and that had to be done with none of the restrictions you find in a rental home; I needed to buy and build my own heaven.
Upon one's deathbed it is important to leave this world with no regrets. Some people pass on never having known love, success, fame or fortune and for this they take their last breaths with remorse in their hearts. For me, the only thing that could cause me to rethink my life is not owning my own home. This would be my one ultimate failure in life.
Epilogue:
I have currently checked out many books detailing the necessities of house building. There is hope yet to buile my heaven.
The End
I'm reading the sequel to the classic story of Gone with the Wind, titled, "Scarlett". In that and the orginal novel, Scarlett's lifes blood, her source of energy and power seems to come from her ancestral home, Tara. I remember fully understanding her drive to fight for her home. Unwittingly, my need for my own home might have been influenced by Scarlett's obsessive behavior over her own home.
My One Need, Chapter 1
Truthfully, there are many reasons why a house, my own home is a driving need in my life. One my parents never owned theirs until they were nearly 40 and I was well out from under them. Leases were always coming up, prices going up; all causing us to move more often than I liked as a child. It made for an unstable life in which I craved a sense of security, but was denied. Therefore, it stands to reason that I am seeking something in a home that was missing in my childhood, dependability, stability and a secure place.
The next clear moment when realized a home was mandatory for my life was when I walked into Dancing Moon Bookstore. The place radiated warmth. As soon as I walked in the door I had a sense of peace perpetuated by the incense permeating the whole building. Then you hear the tinkle of wind chimes made vibrant with a gentle breeze produced by perfectly placed fans to create a most joyous sound. These sounds...these smells actually changed my emotional state to one of pure joy. Even now, every time I walk in there I am bombarded with tranquility, almost against my will, pleasantly so. Therefore, I knew that I wanted to recreate this beauty in my own daily living and that had to be done with none of the restrictions you find in a rental home; I needed to buy and build my own heaven.
Upon one's deathbed it is important to leave this world with no regrets. Some people pass on never having known love, success, fame or fortune and for this they take their last breaths with remorse in their hearts. For me, the only thing that could cause me to rethink my life is not owning my own home. This would be my one ultimate failure in life.
Epilogue:
I have currently checked out many books detailing the necessities of house building. There is hope yet to buile my heaven.
The End
Thursday, June 9, 2011
All about me
Let me begin with a disclaimer: I understand Astrology is not an exact science(yep I said science). I know that there are exceptions, allowances for free will, social/economic status that will warp the traditional zodiac traits.
That said, there is still a basic core that I find correlates to each person's destined signs; this is mine.
Pisces Personality:
Sometimes you feel that you do not belong in this world, but where you actually belong is still unknown. People around you may be even more confused by your hard to follow personality. You have great intuition and can easily understand anyone's point of view. This could cause problems, though, as you try to help end everyone's sob story.
You are capable of hard work and sacrifice(ONLY when its to help someone else hehe) to reach a goal or help someone. You are best suited in a more relaxing job(nursing...not stressful at all...psyche), than one filled with stress and conflict. Filled with talent and charm, you have wonderful ideas and skills(wonderful might be stretching it). However others rarely see this side of you because you are so unsure of yourself (why did they have to go and put that out there. I am not unsure of myself, or am I?)
Pisceans are very generous and unselfish and people always want to be friends with you. You almost have a sixth sense (I'm totally psychic) about what's going to happen and others would be best to listen to your hunch. You do not judge others by their cover(Nope my mom's voice still rings in my ears if I try to judge), but by the person they are inside. And everyone can appreciate that.
So this is me all day long with very few to no alterations. Now you know. I'm a big bundle of sensitive nerves, all the while trying to help everyone else be the perfect people that I think my utopia dictates.
Dan Millman says I am a 33/6 in his fabulous book, "The life you were born to live". This means:
Dan Millman says I am a 33/6 in his fabulous book, "The life you were born to live". This means:
Working 33/6 in the Positive
Surrounded by a bright energy field reflecting purity and clarity, these sensitive individuals have an attractive energy and enthusiastic way of helping others to see their own perfection and the positive side of every issue. Their body is strong because they've developed and refined it through proper exercise(dang I hated giving up those juicy, sloppy, greasy burgers!) and diet. They accept their shape whether or not it meets anyone else's idea of perfection. They see the inherent perfection of others, and they have come to accept themselves; self-evaluation has changed to self-valuation. They always have a kind word (the word is dooo dooo) or good thing to say about others. Their laser eyesight can spot the beauty in anyone or anything; they see the higher beings we are all becoming. With their high standards and sense of fairness, they work for justice, right,(they forgot to say, and are forever disappointed when the world doesn't become perfect like it should) and truth in constructive ways.
Working 33/6 in the Negative
Tight-lipped, inhibited outsiders, these individuals have down-turned corners of their mouth that indicate their disappointment with most people and their anger and frustration about the world. "It isn't fair!" is the battle cry of these harsh critics, as they judge the world against unreachable ideals. They hold in their expression or let it out in negative tirades and complaints as their laser vision points out the flaws in everyone and everything. Their body holds tension within extra fat or extra muscle as body armor to insulate them from a world that feels burdensome due to their own self-imposed standards.
I have no real higher purpose in this blog. I merely wanted to talk about me, me me.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tinkling words
If you read my other blogs you will understand the beauty of this: "I can't say I got this for you, but I can say, you got this and I got your back". This was uttered from a dear friend of mine. I write it here because it needs to be seen by the world. I don't know if I can ever fully express how dear this was to my heart.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Really?!
I just overheard a woman praising God. There is nothing wrong with that part. The thing is just before that moment of divine exclamation I heard her tearing down a family friend (behind her back, of course). How do those two thoughts work in the same "christian" heart?
I have a friend, actually more than one, that believes , not only in pre-marital sex but promiscuity, yet claims this same biblical devotion. In fact, said religious friend has even dismissed me as a romantic interest specifically due to my spiritual leanings. So I'm unclean because I have a more open view of God but he can sleep around and remain this faithful follower.
Lets not forget all the atrocities committed in the name of religion throughout history.
What am I missing? I understand we all have our different views/opinions of God and religion but surely they should all center around promoting and valueing all human life. How could anyone believe God, a higher power, being anything but the purest example of love? How could a superior being, our creator, even a divine source be remotely linked to human flawed emotions such as envy, revenge, hate and even plain anger? Surely such a creature would have risen above such trivialities! Therefore if you are this consecrate soul then shouldn't you understand that your goal is to be like God...loving and kind?I just don't understand ....really!
I have a friend, actually more than one, that believes , not only in pre-marital sex but promiscuity, yet claims this same biblical devotion. In fact, said religious friend has even dismissed me as a romantic interest specifically due to my spiritual leanings. So I'm unclean because I have a more open view of God but he can sleep around and remain this faithful follower.
Lets not forget all the atrocities committed in the name of religion throughout history.
What am I missing? I understand we all have our different views/opinions of God and religion but surely they should all center around promoting and valueing all human life. How could anyone believe God, a higher power, being anything but the purest example of love? How could a superior being, our creator, even a divine source be remotely linked to human flawed emotions such as envy, revenge, hate and even plain anger? Surely such a creature would have risen above such trivialities! Therefore if you are this consecrate soul then shouldn't you understand that your goal is to be like God...loving and kind?I just don't understand ....really!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
"The One" List
I want a man to wash my hair
I want a man to offer me the remote control
I want a man to ask me if I mind if he leaves for the boys night out
I want a man to kiss me every time he leaves or sees me
I want a man that wants to kiss, just for the sake of it
I want a man that not only shows me his love but tells me
I want a man that talks with me
I want a man that I like, not just love
I want a man that walks on the street side of the curb
I want a man that always holds my doors open
I want a man who holds my hand when we walk together
I want a man that knows me and accepts all the flaws without trying to change them
I want a man that makes me laugh
I want a man that can hold me while I cry
I want a man that wants my touch always
I want a man that will stand up and by me, no matter what
I want a man that believes in forever
I want a man to offer me the remote control
I want a man to ask me if I mind if he leaves for the boys night out
I want a man to kiss me every time he leaves or sees me
I want a man that wants to kiss, just for the sake of it
I want a man that not only shows me his love but tells me
I want a man that talks with me
I want a man that I like, not just love
I want a man that walks on the street side of the curb
I want a man that always holds my doors open
I want a man who holds my hand when we walk together
I want a man that knows me and accepts all the flaws without trying to change them
I want a man that makes me laugh
I want a man that can hold me while I cry
I want a man that wants my touch always
I want a man that will stand up and by me, no matter what
I want a man that believes in forever
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Googling Love
Even at my current age (let's say over 25), I still struggle with the pubescent questions that seem to plague us entirely too often. What is the difference between love and being in love? how many different kinds of love are there? ...need I go on? In a true showing of the day, I googled my dilemma. Yep and here is a beautiful excerpt from one a blog I found that brought me down to Earth with a sense of hopeful certainty:
"... When we’re in love we want to spend all our time with the other person; it’s a perfect opportunity to get to know them better, so we can know how best to love them.“I am in love with you” means “You make me feel warm and fuzzy”. By itself, being in love does not guarantee a happy or healthy or long-term relationship. In contrast, “I love you” means “When I have to choose between my desire and your need, I will choose the latter.” Love is a choice and a promise, and while it doesn’t guarantee we will have a happy relationship either – especially if the other person doesn’t reciprocate – it is more likely. We’d all like love and being in love, the action and the emotion, to always go together, but there will be times when they don’t. It’s the choices we make at those times that we see our relationship for what it is: merely a pleasant feeling or commitment..."
I'll let my reader(s) derive what they choose from this but for me, it helped immensely and I wanted to share it.
"... When we’re in love we want to spend all our time with the other person; it’s a perfect opportunity to get to know them better, so we can know how best to love them.“I am in love with you” means “You make me feel warm and fuzzy”. By itself, being in love does not guarantee a happy or healthy or long-term relationship. In contrast, “I love you” means “When I have to choose between my desire and your need, I will choose the latter.” Love is a choice and a promise, and while it doesn’t guarantee we will have a happy relationship either – especially if the other person doesn’t reciprocate – it is more likely. We’d all like love and being in love, the action and the emotion, to always go together, but there will be times when they don’t. It’s the choices we make at those times that we see our relationship for what it is: merely a pleasant feeling or commitment..."
I'll let my reader(s) derive what they choose from this but for me, it helped immensely and I wanted to share it.
Lymphedema
Today marks a significant time in my life, at least here in my blog, perhaps to my life as well. I am going to disclose something that has been haunting my days since I found out, officially last week. I have Lymphedema. It is otherwise known as Lymphatic Obstruction. It is a chronic disease that is caused by the failing of the lymphatic system and/or a lack of lymph nodes present at birth. The Lymphatic system helps fight any sickness, alongside the immune system so when it is compromised you are susceptible to infection. There are many different causes and mine is a genetic one. This means I was born with crucial lymph nodes missing in my legs particularly. I experienced a flare when I was overseas as a child but they had little to no information at the time. I was put in a buck traction at the early age of 4 with no real diagnosis to be found. My leg function returned and my white blood cells went down magically after about a week. Five years ago, another flare began that is just now being diagnosed; it won't be as easy this time to regain normalcy.
I was completely devastated upon hearing the words Chronic Disease. I can tell you it took every strength I had to not cry in front of my therapist. Although I assure you my eyes were bright and shiny with the unshed ones. That is the bad news but the good news is there is treatment to keep this under control. Currently I am at the early stage 1-2, thank goodness. There is an extensive and costly therapeutic program that involves wrappings and intensive massage. I have found an amazing therapist at UNC that I am confident will help me through this difficult time. She is not only a fabulous therapist, a nice person, but she also suffers from this disease herself due to a bug bite.
Yes, I'm hopeful that I can do this but I can well tell you there are many times that I am overwhelmed by facing this especially alone. I confess, with shame, but one of the many concerns this has brought to me is my love life. It is the last thing that should be on my mind but truthfully, I feel like this is the final nail, halting all hope in my romantic search. Thank God for friends!
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