I don't know how to argue. Every time I have an argument I think two things: Either one of us sees the other persons point of view, aka gives in or neither one of us will budge so there is only one option, to split. Let's be honest, how often are people willing to admit they are wrong. Even better how about getting someone to admit that they aren't right or wrong anymore than I am. That brings us to the rare third option.This endangered species is to be adults and accept that we have differing opinions that we should both be able to respect. Ooopsy I just used that horrible S word, should. In reality, option number three is an awesome task. Ego must be taken out for one. Also you must examine the disagreement itself, its structure. If the two people (or more) stayed on the task of the topic then it might be salvageable but, if it became an attack on the person, rather than the subject, you have neglected the battle for a war. If this happens, and I must say it invariably does, then the healing process is longer because it has become personal.
I think this began as a child seeing my parents "disagree" to violent proportions, even though they survived all that into their comfy middle-aged lifestyles now. My parents actually made their arguments sound like a competition. One seemed to attempt to reach a more threatening plateau than the other. It went so wrong that they even claimed they wouldn't leave just in spite of the other. Yes, you read that correctly. My mother said she would not leave because that would give my father the peace that he didn't deserve. Similarly my father said he wouldn't give my mom the satisfaction of leaving. Their simple disagreements always became epic battles,ending in hurt and base behavior. That right there is a funny little sidenote: my parents have been together for 30 something years now just to win an argument.
I never wanted it to be that way for me so I am always ready to say, lets just stop this right now. Unfortunately, I inherited my parents' Irish tempers so that moment of rationale doesn't always reach me before things are past the point of no return. More often than not, I am left backpedaling to find a safe way to exit the situation. For me the next step is a process of extended reflection that I must do alone. The time away is my attempt to see an alternative to never speaking to this person again. Truthfully, the easy answer of just leaving is foremost in my mind but I do fight it. I examine where the conversation took its turn for the worst, what my part in it all was and if or how it could have been prevented or will be in the future.
As much as I love the idea of a debate, shaking people out of their humdrum opinions which are often merely repeated ones from others, and giving my own self important thoughts, I hate arguments! There is a distinguishable difference between debating and arguing but it appears I can't seem to find that place so...back to the drawing board.
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