My Self

Since I was very young I have struggled with my Self.

• My parents, as is true for most, tried to foster a Self for me that epitomizes the dependable Catholic good girl;Every time I even consider cussing or ...worse, this Self pours on the judgement=Self1 Saint Catherine is created. 
• My sister attempted to persuade me to be an ideal she will never aspire to, thus always making her Self feel less and angry with my Self; this Self reappears every time my sis enters the room and we will never have a good relationship=Self2Successful and Independent Catherine is created.
•  All of my friends and teachers in school convinced my Self that I was smart; since then my ability to learn is often thwarted by this because hey, I know it all=Self3Intelligent Catherine is created. 
• My Bff tried to coerce my Self to believe itself wholly spiritual and wrong for any desire of normalcy;Now when a banal choice is made, I doubt it and cross reference to what a saint might do=Self4Open and spiritual Catherine is created..

I've never believed any of these Self's were accurate because they never satisfied me. Within me there is a constant restlessness...a need to be so much more than I have ever known.

•  Some people have told me this is my soul looking for God thus informing me that I am a Self that has not got enough God in my life=Self0Satanic Catherine is created. 
• Society whispers this gaping hole exists because I don't have a man to fulfill my happiness; This self has me in constant search of Mr.right with such a desperation that Mr.Wrong almost always shows up-Self5Man Hunter.

Me, the me that lights up when I see a mother look at her child with such love; Me, the me that is re-energized when I step outside and am greeted by my puffy white clouds or the blanket of stars winking at me ; Me, the me that loves the feeling of pure freedom when I am on the open road, pushing my car to its limits...In these moments I realize that my Self is too much...too beautiful...too unwritten to be any one thing. I am all of these things, yet none of them existing together. My Self is and will be forever seeking a self. Upon my deathbed I am confident I will happily not know who my Self is but I will look back at my life and marvel at who my Self has been.