False Wall

I'm home again. My work downstaffs a lot due to low census. You might think that I am overjoyed at the prospect; you would be wrong. This gives me the time to begin that introspective journey that I can't seem to quell. Those tired questions of where is my life headed, will I ever find the one, what does it all mean, am I a good enough person. My head screams with these and so many other doubts. The overwhelming mantra that forms into a question is, When will my life begin. This can't be it, I tell myself.

I haven't written the great novel yet. I haven't published my poetry or even allowed someone to be touched by them. I didn't join the Peace Corp and travel the world to help people. I haven't met , The One, and lord if I have ...I screwed that up because I'm on my own again. I haven't figured out exactly who I am yet. Do I continue striving for some perfection or do I finally admit that this is me, warts and all. I haven't left my mark upon the world. Maybe above all these things I haven't built my heaven yet.

I haven't even began the blueprints to create this magical place where none of these questions would matter. Here, in my home, a palace I envision, just for me, nothing but peace and love abide. Time doesn't make me tremble here. The what ifs and what I haven't done's are so far out of my mind because I have this, a place that welcomes me everyday with no pressure. The very air will impart a sense of magic that erases all pain. Every corner of my house will be filled with symbols of love and light.

I want to live this life so badly. That is where I am today. I am dreaming of the life that has yet to appear. I am wondering if this little life I exist in now, is enough. Time is passing so fast; please slow down. Perhaps God will hear my prayer...this time.        

Welcome to a day "off" in my life.