Prayer to Me

"Courage is not the absence of fear but taking action in the face of it"

I'm not a risk-taker. Almost every conversation I have ever had, has been played out in my mind well before it reaches my lips. Any path I choose has been carefully mapped out to overt any missteps. In other words, I live in my head more often than not. There, it is a chaotic place full of lists, warnings, fears, and memories of all the words before. Upon my desk, proof of this exists with balled up pieces of paper containing my pros and cons inventory. You'll find sticky notes everywhere with tiny messages, directing myself to do a certain task, not to be derailed by the whimsical other half.

Yes, you read that correctly; I am aware of the hypocrisy. At odds with my cowardice is this living, breathing, death-defying rebel that longs to release the shackles. Every now and then I allow her breath. It is those moments when the real me is set free and I soar with the freedom of it. A smile begins, it crawls up from inside, reaches my eyes and conforms my face into something only the devil himself could resist. When I allow the fear and memories of such to ease, my soul emanates with the love I want all to feel.

See...me...I'm aware that I was born for greatness. I have felt it since I was a child; the weight of my life. I know that God gave me this life to transform my world and all those that exist in it. In small ways, in those moments when I allow the real me to live, I believe I impact this life, as I'm supposed to. Now if only I could live there. How do I forget the shadows of fear and pain? Those obstacles placed in my life to overcome and deserve this bright life that await me by our creator. How can anyone doubt that He exists? I feel Him in my life, guiding me, begging me to release myself; letting me know that He is there, when I'm ready.

With that in mind, that faith, ever present in my heart, I know I'll get there. One day, I'll become the creature of light and love that is only glimpsed now. Every now and then you'll see her, the real me but don't blink,or you'll only see this me, this ever struggling soul, wrestling with her demons.