Finding me, STILL?!

I recently turned the big 4 0. Lots of things hit home, moreso than just being older, but that I haven't accomplished as much as I had hoped by this age. One of the biggest wake up calls is that I still don't know who I am. Even now, I am still figuring that out. It's such a choice, right? Do I become the sophisticated woman that I thought I would grow into, shedding my childlike self or do I stay true to who I am and embrace the poetess with a mushy heart?

There is a part of me that is all woman. With that, I have to remember to put my make up on, even when I don't want to. I have to resist going out anywhere, without making sure my hair is just so. As this fearless woman, I am reminded to remember the games that men insist we play. That is the hardest part for me. The rules you ask?

1. Don't show how much you like them
2. God forbid don't say the L word, especially first
3. Keep it light, don't get deep

Then we come to the real me. The woman inside is nothing but a poet full of dreams and romantic ideals. Here's the truth:

1-When I feel emotions, I seldom keep them inside. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

2-I love LOVE. I love my family and friends and people I meet. I like telling them that I love them.I don't believe it's this sacred word to be only shared when times are dire. It should be spread everyday! 

3-I'm deep and always have been. Light heartedness is a chore that doesn't come easy to me, never has. This may very well be a flaw, but it is mine. 

Someone recently reminded me the high cost of being who I am. At 40 years old I still don't know if I pay that toll, or fix it all by being who they want me to be instead. Maybe come 50, I'll have this figured out.