Ego is sometimes the lie that protects us from the truth, sometimes it's the lie.

I Write

I do write. I write everyday, all the time. I see the words in my head when a person speaks. I hear myself sound out each letter to try and make sense of what emotions are currently churning. With almost every interaction I have, each day....I write!

I wrote when I was struggling with childhood abuse and poverty. Those words, etched inside (and sometimes spilled out on paper) told me, "this isn't your fault". They gave me the only solace I had.

I wrote when I fell in love with a demon that made my life a hell that I wasn't sure I would survive. The words reminded me that "I'm not the demon". The words yelled inside to find the strength to be brave and seek me, alone. The words told me it was okay to be divorced.

I wrote when my baby boy went through pain that I couldn't heal. They urged me to realize this was his novel to write, not mine.

I wrote when I changed my entire life to try and make a fairytale come true. I wrote everyday ignoring the writing on the walls, convincing myself that I could make "our" life what I wanted it. Then the words yelled again, "Its time to move on. We tried".

I write now, all the time, in the car....in my bed while I wait for sleep. I write when I'm at work and can't find the grace to forgive someone, at that moment in time. I write when my temper flairs and I allow my demon full reign. I write when I'm sad and scared that this lonely life may eat me up and swallow my dreams.

No matter what ...I DO write! 

I NEED to write.

I'm GOING to write.

"Reasons"....as those pesky millennials say

THEM

A Happy Passing

I received the word that my grandmother had been in the hospital for a week on Friday. My uncle and aunt and mother had decided to put her on comfort care with a hospice. My very first thought was...finally.

My grandma has been suffering from Alzheimer's for too many years now. She is in the final stage four. She no longer recognizes any of us and hasn't for at least two years, she cannot communicate, what is so clearly in her mind, and she doesn't have control of basic bodily functions. What kind of life is that? I suppose some would argue it is one, but I would never make that argument for a stranger, much less about a woman I love dearly.

Maybe it's because I'm a nurse, but I feel like death is another stage. For my grandmother it is one she is ready for. Those of us with faith, have nothing to fear. It is just another phase of this existence, well, actually a whole new existence. I can only assume for those without faith, this is scary. I can't imagine not believing there is more. I have digressed....

My family came together today. It was wonderful sitting there in that room with my tiny grandma on the bed and all of us surrounding her. I could feel the love and I must believe she did too. More than likely she is no longer in that shrinking body, but somewhere else, hovering...waiting for her time. I do so pray she goes quietly into that good night.

I love you grandma, may this next life give you much more happiness. 

Near Life

I had my very first car accident about 2 months ago. For accuracy's sake, I will say the first mva as an adult. When that car hit the side of my car, I remember very little, except a resignation. A part of me thought that this was the end of it all. I heard myself screaming, but felt outside of my body while doing it. There was a calm that I could never fully narrate. When the ball of metal finally came to a stop, I stumbled out of the car in a haze of unbelievable gratitude. Honestly, there was a lot of shock involved as well.

Since that day, things have changed for me in a way I never thought would happen. I find myself unable to allow a negative thought to sustain; instead I constantly hear this voice whispering,  "I am alive". My only real comment is that it is a shame an event of this magnitude is what it takes to teach me how to live...truly LIVE.

My Anniversary

A little over 5 weeks ago, I had a personal anniversary. It was a year from the date of my Gastric surgery. The reason I didn't blog about it is because I still am effected by the stigma that exists around this topic. Ironic really, considering all of America is generally impacted by weight issues, one way or the other. This was one of the best decisions of my life.

Since then, I have lost over 180 pounds. Sure, that is huge, but the real victory is how I think of myself now. You might think it is because of the weight loss, but the truth is that was a mere symptom. The real success is that I realized I could set a goal and accomplish it. That I had the strength to do what I set my mind to do. I silenced the voices in my head and listened to the light inside of me, dying to be heard. "I am worth so much more that what my body looks like". Wow, the power of those words could change so many people's lives if they just believed it. The beauty that radiates from me has nothing to do with those pounds lost, but the glow that illuminates my soul, my eyes... my every step.

See the important caveat is that my body is nowhere near where I want it, but despite that, I'm happy. It took this drastic step for me to realize every person that ever hurt me, judged me or disliked me because of what I looked like had no power. They were weak and insecure in their own right and it was ME...I gave them the power to hurt me. It was me all along that was the one with all the strength. The truly funny thing is that I can lose the weight, but they...it will take a lot more work than they may ever know to change the darkness inside of them that makes them lash out at others. Unfortunately, there is no surgery for that.

Sorry nasty people:

That guy that sat behind me in ELP class
Carmen Barnes
Allen Faircloth
Jason Karlek
Larry Dudek
April Fowler
Amy Allen
Craig Ballinger
David
Apex guy from SJ High
fuquay dad at Gamestop

Reasons to love a redhead

Christina Novelli - Concrete Angel Acoustic

I have a new passion. This is my first foray into the new, odd and exciting genre of Trance. When I first heard her, I listened to it three more times. The lyrics are so incredibly deep, smart & poetic. I am transfixed by her face. She is lovely to watch. The passion pours from her showing me a true artist that I am forever drawn to this light like a moth to a flame. I want to be burnt up in the hot fire of these emotions.

To you

Dear You,
This note is to you, not out of anger or even the sadness, but rather, words my heart needs to say. You helped me become who I am. You struggled beside me when I lashed out, raged and cried. You saw me transform. You saw me break away. See, I needed you. You were supposed to be there for my ride, maybe I was there for yours as well, but now, that's over. I don't know if this means we are done, but I do know that I must leave you to find your way, as I am mine. If the fates see it true, then we'll meet again, but if not, I'm okay. I know you will be fine too. I know this because we had a decade of each other. We had times of sharing every thought and then many others of opposing each one. Both of us trudged on even when there were lots of moments I wanted to give up. It's easy to say that a mistake was made, but I don't subscribe to the easy route. You were meant to be there, as I was in yours. We learned. We grew. I don't, nor ever will regret you. I wish you well, my dearest old friend. Sadness still aches in my heart, I promise, but those shadows won't remain in the light of my new life. The one that I am boldly reaching for, even now as I write this farewell.

Always,
Your first Cat