Hear, See, Speak No Evil...REALLY??!!!

Let me begin by saying this blog will be a doozy. I have neglected my blogspot for a bit and have so many topics running through my head that I have decided to collaborate at least three of them here. That was my warning that you should have a cup of coffee or some form of caffeine in your hand to continue on.

I thought censorship was a thing of the past personally. However, recent events seem to say differently. Let’s begin this circus of media with the Bill O’Reilly/The View Incident. Those of you that live under a rock and didn’t hear about it, I will recap. Bill O’Reilly, radical conservative with his own talk show was a guest on The View discussing several issues heatedly. It was when he began the topic on the 9/11 memorial—MOSQUE that things became overly so. He was explaining that the mosque being built there was, “inappropriate”. He even stated statistics that 70% of all Americans do not want the mosque to be built there. Joy Behar, specifically found this fact to be exaggerated and began to become more elevated in her tone. All hell let loose when Mr. O’Reilly states, “Muslims killed us on 9/11”. He went on to say that even our President Obama would not give full reason for his support. Obama’s only comment was to the concept of “religious freedom” and how we all equally had the right to express ourselves. He specifically refused to comment on the “wisdom” of said project. I believe this was a very thorough stating of facts on Mr. O’Reilly’s part but Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg decided they could not tolerate Mr. O’Reilly’s right to free speech.

Yes, he could have put it more gently. Yes, he could have specified that these are radical/extremists/zealots or the age-old terrorists. Those bandaids would not change the fact that the men responsible for 9/11, in so much that we know are indeed calling themselves Muslim. I’m sorry but he was not wrong! The only thing Bill O’Reilly did wrong was he forgot to kowtow to the bleeding heart politically correct liberals that would have us call a black pot off brown, rather than black so as to not hurt anyone or organization’s feelings.

The next incident, which was supported by Mr. O’Reilly as well, occurred when Juan Williams of NPR in an interview on television said, “When I get on a plane…and people are in Muslim garb and I think they are identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried. I get nervous.” Mr. Williams was fired as a result. Susan Williams defends this action by saying Mr. William’s wrongdoing was that he, as a NPR news analyst gave his opinion and should not have. What a ludicrous statement! Anyone speaking in a public medium, discussing issues …well, it’s all about opinions. NPR doesn’t offer up mere facts, nor does any one network. We all know that NPR is the right wing, as Fox News is the radical left respectively. Those directional slants are not born of facts but rather different and individualistic perspectives, ie…opinions!

Yes, Mr. Williams could have kept this to himself. He could have dared not utter what is on (and this is my opinion ONLY) a huge percentage of Americans minds and hearts when they board planes in the exact fashion, not to mention most, if not all public avenues. I can assure you that I have a mild sense of panic and unease assault me every time I see a woman or child in a burka. It takes great restraint on my part to remember that this is a single human being, not representative, necessarily, of the radical views that my mind perceives the burka states.

If it was not already evident let me now please make it clear: The mosque should not be built on the burial grounds of so many Americans!! In this case, the actual truth of whom or who did not cause 9/11 is not as important as the fact that most of us believe a Muslim faction carried out this atrocity. The mosque being built there would then be like patting them on the back of their heads in a congratulatory manner. It is extremely insensitive to all those families left behind to endure this reminder of who is responsible for the loss of their loved ones. Yes, Mr. O’Reilly, it IS indeed inappropriate, I agree. As for President Obama’s place in this is another matter. I understand on one hand that he is playing the diplomat by stating that this is an allowance that defines American freedom. I think in a whole other manner he means this to extend a hand of friendship to the many Muslim-Americans that are increasing our population every day; It’s politics! That said, I can’t help but be disappointed that our president risks heart and compassion for his people in order to walk that fine politically correct line. If ever there was a time to sway that line it should be whilst considering anything that will affect the spot or survivors of the worst ever recorded event in the United States of American history. 

Strength

I am a woman in a man's world. Perhaps we can all claim this but my life, particularly is dominated by men. My best friend is male, and in actuality several good friends are male. I live in the gaming world which is dominated by men as well. I heard some woman just 'sigh' but let me assure you this is no easy task. Follow along with me and you will see.

For a long time I have fought the traditional side of my nature that believes in gender roles because of the perceptions that other have on that concept. When I say that a man should lead the woman, automatically it is assumed that the woman cannot lead herself. It's as if the ability to choose is somehow moot in this circumstance. Due to this misconception I overcompensated by becoming the ferocious woman of the millennium. Much like the hippies of the 60/70s, I became a woman so bent on defining myself as an individual that I lost a part of my womanhood. In fact, ,many of my male friends dubbed me a man eater/hater because I had become so obsessed with proving that I was an independent woman and needed no one, much less a man in my life. I am here to right that wrong today.

"Men are strong"."Women are soft and fragile". I've been working under this guise for some time now. We, women take on so many roles: We are the mothers that never falter; We are daughters that always love; We are friends that will be there for one another; We are wives that 'allow' our husbands to be the king of their castles; We are the caregivers in most everyones lives, but often not our own! None of these roles are invalid at all. What is the problem is that before you become the super mom, wife, daughter or friend you  must become 'you'! I was convinced to be a true woman you must make sure that you don't overshadow a man--pathetic, right? Yes, is the answer. I am stronger than that. Initially, my point was being around all these men helped convince me that I was a damsel in need of rescuing. Luckily, they also had the opposite effect... In my constant quest for equality and value in their lives I have found my inner strength. I realize that my ability to do and become anyone I desire rests in my hands, and mine alone. There is my strength! That is my power; not my ability to speak softly, be sexy or appear inept. This information is a beautiful part of my growth. It's new and for all of you that already knew this, I applaud you. 

I might be breaking a lot of illusions for many people but most importantly myself because I realize that I can be whoever I want to, out loud, no matter if you agree or not.  I hope you are all prepared but if not...let this beautiful poem from the incredible Maya Angelou explain and resestablish the message I wish to share with you:

Still I Rise You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may trod me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries. Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own back yard. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise. Slavery comes in many forms, including the chains that are  self-inflicted--Catherine Ellen Ballinger

Time, lines and the drum

There is some quote about time marching on, whether we like it or not. This is a fact we all must face eventually. Then again, if you pay attention you will hear those drums throughout your life.

My eighteen year-old son told me that he feels bored with this life…thud! My grandparent’s health is deteriorating fast …thud! I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my first wrinkle beginning..thud! thud! Each time that sound is heard our hearts skip a beat. It’s a change in our awareness of life and it leaves its mark. When these moments happen I suppose you have two choices on how to deal. One, you allow that fear to stay in your life…you slow down, stop taking chances and give in to the inevitabilities as you see them now. The other choice is to embrace this as a milestone. It is a marker that we have come so far in life. It is the sign that you have these choices: to move forward in this adventure or find your comfort zone and stay there for the rest of your life. Let me be clear that either one is acceptable…this is YOUR life!

No one is immune to these drums; they merely thud at different intervals for different people. Some of us die a little when we hit the big 3 0, while others are happy to have arrived.  One of the most famous markers is that “mid-life” crisis we hear so much about from men. It generally happens around 50 and can severely cripple a life. Sometimes men begin seeking younger women or sports cars to stop the drums. Women begin questioning their looks and start talking about having “work” done on it to deny the process.

Yes, I feel these fears. I even can confess to allowing it to halt my growth a time or two but in the end I endure, we will endure. Those lines on my face are the stories of my life, each one documents a time in my line. The big 4 0 will be coming soon and I am sure to feel proud that I made it this far. Things will begin to sag, lines will spread and parts of my life will slow down. I strive and will continue to embrace this journey. After all, the end is really just the beginning. 

Words like sticks and stones

This is Karen Alloy. She has been running a Vlog  for many years now that I follow. This is the first time I felt it very important to share one. Her vlog is about suicides due to bullying, and cyber bullying. Due to my recent bout with a stalker I watch this video with a deeper level of understanding. Please understand that the sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me is no longer true. In this day and age, we have reputations and social status that dictates our lives. It can be manipulated to do harm or good. Be responsible when you read, comment or leave messages for someone next time you are online. 

Reason #101 I will NOT goto Facebook!

Love's Ghosts

I have loved and been loved. However, ask that of certain individuals and they will disagree. There is an argument about love, at least amongst my circle of friends. This alternative view states that if the "loved" one is no longer in your life then it must have not been love. Let me be perfectly clear and repeat, I have heard the opinion expressed by more than one person that if your romantic partner is no longer that then love never existed. I cannot give any further explanation of this opinion because I find it to be a ludicrous idea. I'm surprised I got this far into my blog before making my opposition more evident. Before I begin my rant, let me issue this disclaimer genuinely: Every one is allowed their own opinion. When I labeled that opinion as ludicrous and as I go on to expel upon how avidly I disagree, that is not attack on any person, but the concept of the idea.

I have loved and been loved! Each individual that has come into my life, in a romantic way, have a piece of my heart that never dies. Even my ex-husband, whom I have no love for, had a place there. At one point he knew my love and loved me. That does not disappear because we ended our life together. Love is hardly this solitary event, rather it is cumulative moments. Even in a successful marriage of length, they will tell you there are times when the love has ebbed and when it resurges once more; that might even be the secret to understanding marriage. I can assure you that those moments when the love is less, does not mean it is gone. Love is not always meant to last forever, in fact, that is more of a rarity than the rule.

There is one piece of supporting evidence to this wayward thought that I might concede with but even that has a place in my argument. The idea that if it is truly unconditional love, the optimal kind, then it will never disappear. First of all, that is almost an inhuman thing to ask. It takes a person of great discipline, understanding...I would go so far as to say training to achieve this feat. Unconditional love, were it ever present, states that no matter the other person's behavior or acts a love will abide. However, even in this it does not state that a life together will be feasible. Using this definition and example of love, I believe the fact that you are not together can still mean the love is untainted.

Furthermore, when there is a loss...a breakup, separation or divorce the mourning process that proceeds is tantamount to proof of love. The fact that this person still lives but not with or near your life is an awesome emotion that can surely not be diminished because of its past tense status. As my friend stated to me just now, "That person isn't dead but the entity you were together is. You must mourn something that is actually not gone". I really couldn't have said it better. Out of sight, does not equal out of heart!

 

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my son's 18^th birthday. It is hard to believe my little baby boy is now officially a man. All parents will tell you that the time flies and I am yet another one. I do remember when he was a baby in the basinet beside my bed. Daniel was a very good baby. He never kept me up at night with any of those typical problems like colic or teething or even just the day and night mix up. He was always an early riser. Oftentimes, he woke up before me. That only became a problem when he began walking and I realized I had to become an early riser as well. Like the time when he was two years old: We woke up to find him sitting in the cat's litter box, happy as can be with devastation all around him. He had taken a bunch of pussy willows that we had brought home and de-shed them all over the kitchen and living room; somehow he found the last remaining cassette tapes known to man and unraveled them as well. After all that he decided to bond with our kitty by playing in her litter box. My initial reaction was that of anger but before I could say a word, I looked into his eyes and saw how happy he was; laughter ensued. There were quite a few of these types of memories because Daniel always had an explorative mind. When it was time for him to begin school this was never more evident.

Every year I would meet with the teachers and the same thing was said: "Daniel is extremely bright but isn't interested in our studies." Instead, you could find Daniel talking to not only fellow students, but teachers about their problems or those of the world. Yep, my son was the little counselor. At a very early age he was convinced he could help everyone. It was then and still is one of his most endearing qualities. Of course don't tell him I said that because in "mommy-mode" I am supposed to remind him that he needs to focus on himself and let others find their own way.

Here we are today, my baby becoming a man in society's eyes… He isn't sure where he'll go in his future and we are steadily trying to work on that. I am very confident that whatever it is, he will not only succeed but be the leader he was destined to become.

I love you Daniel.

I Cry

I do cry;

I cry for the people that I know are out there crying too. I cry for the child in me and others that grew up too fast at their hands. I cry for the scared adult that worries if I'm making good life decisions. I cry because I'm scared to love fully. I cry because I don't know if I'll ever truly trust someone. I cry because I'm so happy and grateful. I cry every time I think of my relationship with God (ie, me). I cry because I'm scared of growing old. I cry because this moment is too wonderful to contain. I cry because a memory has floated through my mind of a former friend/loved one that is no longer around. I cry for my son that I fear for all the time. I also cry for my son when I'm so proud of who I hope he is becoming. I cry because I'm not who I thought I was going to be. I cry because sometimes I'm more than I thought I would ever be. I cry because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him and I cry for the ones I have lost. I cry for my friends/family that have died. I cry when the lyrics of a song remind me that the world is full of such beauty and harm. I cry because I'm not only scared to be alone but upset that I'm worried about that. I cry at movies…I cry.

You probably won't ever see me cry though. As beautiful as I think it is, it is also an extremely intimate moment. It is the exact time that I am actively living and/or reliving an event so powerful that my body cannot contain it.

The very first time I realized it was okay to cry was upon hearing Nicholas Cage (yes the actor) tell Meg Ryan, in the movie, "City of Angels" that, "Maybe... maybe emotion becomes so intense your body just can't contain it. Your mind and your feelings become too powerful... and your body weeps." Yep, it was that movie that convinced me my tears were acceptable.

This poem is honestly not that good, however I think it sums it all up well. I wrote this when I was about 13. I felt this way then and still do now.

Reason for Tears                            

 

I cry very often

Over many things

It makes me feel better

It soothes the pain

It won't bring back

The memories I've had

Some were beautiful

While others…very sad

Friends, loves, heartbreaks

And my many fears

I cry out in my own way

My way…is my tears

People say, "Only babies cry"

I believe different

These are my reasons

So don't ask why

 

Contact or not to…that is the question

How much is enough contact in the information age? When do we know when to not allow a person onto our MySpace page, or our cell numbers or our addresses? Without our knowledge anyone can find our information via the net nowadays so how do we protect that yet enjoy the connections it affords? Let me rewind and tell you what brings me to these questions.

After four years of the same phone number I had it changed about a month ago. I had to change my phone number to get someone to leave me alone. Yes, this caused me concern, but I still wanted to believe he is just one of those that hangs on a little too tightly or maybe losing me is a big deal (allow me that ego moment).Stalker? Unbalanced? More so, was it all my fault in the beginning for allowing him to have my number before I was sure it would be respected? Yes, I tend to give my number out too freely ever since the texting bug hit me. I figure what harm can a text be and why would anyone choose anything other than that? (this is only directed at casual friends) Boy was I wrong.

He was just some guy I gamed with on my beloved Playstation. We ended up spending a lot of time together since I do tend to game daily and he was there.
…I heard that!

All you non-gamers just shook your heads in pity and disbelief, just as society at large used to when the internet relationships began; look how that turned out. Let me assure you that you can get to know someone fairly well on a gaming system, just like on the internet.

Let us return to the matter at hand. I realized things were getting out of hand with this guy so I tried reeling back. Initially, stating plainly that there was nothing going on here but I enjoyed his friendship. Upon hearing this news the guy went from sweet uttering's of admiration and love to declarations of my depravities and immoral imaginary behaviors quickly. Let me tell you one thing…You guys (that do this) are beyond detestable! You claim to love someone, arguing that you cannot live without them but as soon as you realize that that won't work, you turn from Doctor Jeckle to Mr. Hyde. It is deplorable and proves that this imaginary thing you claim, such as (cough) love is so far from anything you are capable of understanding.

At first I tried to convince him otherwise. I wanted to salvage a friendship/gaming relationship. The second time, I merely told him one last chance. The third time I said nope we can't even be friends. Then we are back to the beginning of my blog…permanent separation; If only that had worked.

Today I learned that my Playstation account had been hacked. This…pitiful excuse for a man somehow figured out my password, deleted all my friends on my account and changed said password so I couldn't access it. Thank goodness his intelligence does not match his deviousness. I spent the better part of a hour on the phone with Sony figuring out my options to stop this creep. Basically, he will get away with the harassment but I can ensure that he will not have access to me anymore. Sadly, to do this I lose two of usernames that I have come to love; I have to cancel them.

I'm pissed that yet again in my life a jerk is allowed to bully me. It appears that the law and/or corporations seem to enable those that are smart enough to play the game but not bright enough to make good decisions. Before I get too farlong into a rant, let me say that I realize I must take some responsibility in this. Obviously, my trust instinct needs to be adjusted. Specifically, I need to limit contact with the all important digits, emails ,etc.

I'm still left wondering how I can do this without becoming that person that refuses to allow anyone "in". The internet, gaming, etc is all very social for me. I relish meeting new people and getting in their heads and hearts. How can I continue my exploration of the human psyche but remain safe from the possible backlash? I know one thing, when presented with this dilemma I will remember this case and choose differently. Wish me luck!