Ego is sometimes the lie that protects us from the truth, sometimes it's the lie.

I Write

I do write. I write everyday, all the time. I see the words in my head when a person speaks. I hear myself sound out each letter to try and make sense of what emotions are currently churning. With almost every interaction I have, each day....I write!

I wrote when I was struggling with childhood abuse and poverty. Those words, etched inside (and sometimes spilled out on paper) told me, "this isn't your fault". They gave me the only solace I had.

I wrote when I fell in love with a demon that made my life a hell that I wasn't sure I would survive. The words reminded me that "I'm not the demon". The words yelled inside to find the strength to be brave and seek me, alone. The words told me it was okay to be divorced.

I wrote when my baby boy went through pain that I couldn't heal. They urged me to realize this was his novel to write, not mine.

I wrote when I changed my entire life to try and make a fairytale come true. I wrote everyday ignoring the writing on the walls, convincing myself that I could make "our" life what I wanted it. Then the words yelled again, "Its time to move on. We tried".

I write now, all the time, in the car....in my bed while I wait for sleep. I write when I'm at work and can't find the grace to forgive someone, at that moment in time. I write when my temper flairs and I allow my demon full reign. I write when I'm sad and scared that this lonely life may eat me up and swallow my dreams.

No matter what ...I DO write! 

I NEED to write.

I'm GOING to write.

"Reasons"....as those pesky millennials say

THEM

A Happy Passing

I received the word that my grandmother had been in the hospital for a week on Friday. My uncle and aunt and mother had decided to put her on comfort care with a hospice. My very first thought was...finally.

My grandma has been suffering from Alzheimer's for too many years now. She is in the final stage four. She no longer recognizes any of us and hasn't for at least two years, she cannot communicate, what is so clearly in her mind, and she doesn't have control of basic bodily functions. What kind of life is that? I suppose some would argue it is one, but I would never make that argument for a stranger, much less about a woman I love dearly.

Maybe it's because I'm a nurse, but I feel like death is another stage. For my grandmother it is one she is ready for. Those of us with faith, have nothing to fear. It is just another phase of this existence, well, actually a whole new existence. I can only assume for those without faith, this is scary. I can't imagine not believing there is more. I have digressed....

My family came together today. It was wonderful sitting there in that room with my tiny grandma on the bed and all of us surrounding her. I could feel the love and I must believe she did too. More than likely she is no longer in that shrinking body, but somewhere else, hovering...waiting for her time. I do so pray she goes quietly into that good night.

I love you grandma, may this next life give you much more happiness. 

Near Life

I had my very first car accident about 2 months ago. For accuracy's sake, I will say the first mva as an adult. When that car hit the side of my car, I remember very little, except a resignation. A part of me thought that this was the end of it all. I heard myself screaming, but felt outside of my body while doing it. There was a calm that I could never fully narrate. When the ball of metal finally came to a stop, I stumbled out of the car in a haze of unbelievable gratitude. Honestly, there was a lot of shock involved as well.

Since that day, things have changed for me in a way I never thought would happen. I find myself unable to allow a negative thought to sustain; instead I constantly hear this voice whispering,  "I am alive". My only real comment is that it is a shame an event of this magnitude is what it takes to teach me how to live...truly LIVE.

My Anniversary

A little over 5 weeks ago, I had a personal anniversary. It was a year from the date of my Gastric surgery. The reason I didn't blog about it is because I still am effected by the stigma that exists around this topic. Ironic really, considering all of America is generally impacted by weight issues, one way or the other. This was one of the best decisions of my life.

Since then, I have lost over 180 pounds. Sure, that is huge, but the real victory is how I think of myself now. You might think it is because of the weight loss, but the truth is that was a mere symptom. The real success is that I realized I could set a goal and accomplish it. That I had the strength to do what I set my mind to do. I silenced the voices in my head and listened to the light inside of me, dying to be heard. "I am worth so much more that what my body looks like". Wow, the power of those words could change so many people's lives if they just believed it. The beauty that radiates from me has nothing to do with those pounds lost, but the glow that illuminates my soul, my eyes... my every step.

See the important caveat is that my body is nowhere near where I want it, but despite that, I'm happy. It took this drastic step for me to realize every person that ever hurt me, judged me or disliked me because of what I looked like had no power. They were weak and insecure in their own right and it was ME...I gave them the power to hurt me. It was me all along that was the one with all the strength. The truly funny thing is that I can lose the weight, but they...it will take a lot more work than they may ever know to change the darkness inside of them that makes them lash out at others. Unfortunately, there is no surgery for that.

Sorry nasty people:

That guy that sat behind me in ELP class
Carmen Barnes
Allen Faircloth
Jason Karlek
Larry Dudek
April Fowler
Amy Allen
Craig Ballinger
David
Apex guy from SJ High
fuquay dad at Gamestop

Reasons to love a redhead

Christina Novelli - Concrete Angel Acoustic

I have a new passion. This is my first foray into the new, odd and exciting genre of Trance. When I first heard her, I listened to it three more times. The lyrics are so incredibly deep, smart & poetic. I am transfixed by her face. She is lovely to watch. The passion pours from her showing me a true artist that I am forever drawn to this light like a moth to a flame. I want to be burnt up in the hot fire of these emotions.

To you

Dear You,
This note is to you, not out of anger or even the sadness, but rather, words my heart needs to say. You helped me become who I am. You struggled beside me when I lashed out, raged and cried. You saw me transform. You saw me break away. See, I needed you. You were supposed to be there for my ride, maybe I was there for yours as well, but now, that's over. I don't know if this means we are done, but I do know that I must leave you to find your way, as I am mine. If the fates see it true, then we'll meet again, but if not, I'm okay. I know you will be fine too. I know this because we had a decade of each other. We had times of sharing every thought and then many others of opposing each one. Both of us trudged on even when there were lots of moments I wanted to give up. It's easy to say that a mistake was made, but I don't subscribe to the easy route. You were meant to be there, as I was in yours. We learned. We grew. I don't, nor ever will regret you. I wish you well, my dearest old friend. Sadness still aches in my heart, I promise, but those shadows won't remain in the light of my new life. The one that I am boldly reaching for, even now as I write this farewell.

Always,
Your first Cat

One Love and ONLY one love

This glorious example of love is something that touches me so very deeply. There are no rules when it comes to love. We hardly choose at all. There is no love that can be wrong and no one will EVER convince me that we have a GOD that would think differently. Afterall, we were created in HIS likeness, therefore giving us the capacity for this incredible emotion. How could that be wrong? HOW??!!! I love you all. 

Finding me, STILL?!

I recently turned the big 4 0. Lots of things hit home, moreso than just being older, but that I haven't accomplished as much as I had hoped by this age. One of the biggest wake up calls is that I still don't know who I am. Even now, I am still figuring that out. It's such a choice, right? Do I become the sophisticated woman that I thought I would grow into, shedding my childlike self or do I stay true to who I am and embrace the poetess with a mushy heart?

There is a part of me that is all woman. With that, I have to remember to put my make up on, even when I don't want to. I have to resist going out anywhere, without making sure my hair is just so. As this fearless woman, I am reminded to remember the games that men insist we play. That is the hardest part for me. The rules you ask?

1. Don't show how much you like them
2. God forbid don't say the L word, especially first
3. Keep it light, don't get deep

Then we come to the real me. The woman inside is nothing but a poet full of dreams and romantic ideals. Here's the truth:

1-When I feel emotions, I seldom keep them inside. I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

2-I love LOVE. I love my family and friends and people I meet. I like telling them that I love them.I don't believe it's this sacred word to be only shared when times are dire. It should be spread everyday! 

3-I'm deep and always have been. Light heartedness is a chore that doesn't come easy to me, never has. This may very well be a flaw, but it is mine. 

Someone recently reminded me the high cost of being who I am. At 40 years old I still don't know if I pay that toll, or fix it all by being who they want me to be instead. Maybe come 50, I'll have this figured out. 

Death of Service

Customer Service is truly dead! Perhaps, I just don't understand it all. We are supposed to be in an economical slump. If this is the case, does it not stand to reason that companies should be vying for our business with excellent service, rather than this subpar behavior? It appears to me, and has for decades now, that little to no companies feel as if they need us as individual consumers, based on their automated monstrosities, lack of human understanding and complete failure of knowledgeable representatives.

Rather than the stalling tactics of pushing numbers on a phone, shouldn't there be a human being at the other end of the phone, with a pleasant voice, asking what they can do to keep me as a customer?

I am fed up! I feel as if, we American consumers have given up on demanding an acceptable standard. Currently we allow these companies to harass us with their sales calls and "reminders" to pay bills yet, in exchange, give nothing of quality in products or service. Where did the laws on consumership go? There used to be a basic model in place: If you receive good service/product, they get your business. If you fail in quality of either, we and all our friend will not give your business money. Now, we tip when picking up to go dinners or when waitresses have barely been seen at the table. We repeat over and over our phone numbers and personal information into machines that never seem to actually record it. When will we all realize that we do have the power to demand excellent customer service? If we all just refused the services of those that do not give it.

It would be then, and only then that we could return to a simpler time when a business provided the service they advertised and we expected and got quality in that process.

Savior Man

Dear God,

It's me, Catherine. I was just thinking....good on me, right??!! haha Ok so I have this Jesus doll, you know, your SON, that I keep at my desk, in sight. I must confess, in the beginning it might have been a bit about the irony of it. That, I, being a ...rebel of traditional religious values would honor "the savior of the Christian World". OH yeah, did I mention that in my last prayer I said to you? Umm, yeah, forgive me.

Wait for it, there is a bright side. Secretly, I've always known that I love him, like I do Ghandi and hey, Eminem(is in training), Pink(well on her way), etc. Of course I do NOT believe he is Your son, anymore than Johnny Dep, me or ex president Bush. Who am I kidding, that last one is more likely the son of your enemy! Anyway...focus Catherine...

Seriously though dude, why did they call him our savior? What did he save us from? Death? Nope, we still got that going on. Sin? Nope, we are ALL sinners. Eternal Damnation? Nah, that can STILL happen, so they say, if you don't go to church, smile(even when you don't meant it) and etc, etc. I love Jesus Christ in a whole different way. I think he was a wonderful man, but..just a man. However, I do have one more step...

But...what if Jesus was the first soul, put through enough lifetimes or touched enough (whatever the process is) to come back and BE the light of God...you know what I mean? That would make Christians right in a strange way. I do hate to give it to them. I don't hate them that they got the gist of your "word" wrong. You know those guys you hired to write that book, really didn't do the best of jobs. See, it isn't even Christians faults.

I don't think they will agree, somehow. That would take the ability to think outside , "The Book". Hey, I guess if I dressed up in robes and stood in front of a podium, with lots of hand gestures and stereotypical blessings and praises...bet they would believe me then. Poor Sheep. 

So what do you think God, did I get it right? Am I close to figuring out that all men are actually equal, including Jesus Christ? He was merely an advanced soul, as in did the work to truly be a transcendent soul worthy of leading. That Jesus was enlightened enough to know, preach and LIVE true encompassing love, which is the only word You ever meant for us to follow. 

Maybe it will just be our little secret, God. 

Thanks for listening big guy. 

Love,

Catherine

NoH8

The future I envision is one in which there is no race. A world where stereo types can no longer thrive, because there is no a and b that equals said c. It is a place that is struggling to take over, as I speak right now. There is a movement, that has crawled on its hands and knees to appeal to the masses. It comes from the spiritual world that I have long since believed in. The one where there is only one of us, one loving, accepting...entity

With all the angry voices raised at the "invasions" upon our country, I speak out: I want all kinds of races to come here. I want every color, shape and size to interact with the exact opposite and from each union, create a person, a human being that cannot be defined with the narrow adjectives and negative, casual labels that are expelled from lips of the ignorant. Instead I would prefer, "what a pretty color of skin they have?" and then have that dismissed right out of hand because it doesn't matter anyway.

FckH8

Athena, the savior?

Athena's contribution to Christmas 2012. As well, on The Apocalyptic doomsday of December 21st, she continued to lay there in utter disregard, attempting to dissuade me from any irrational worry. Ahhh, Athena, what would we all do without you.

All joking aside, Athena does calm me, often. She is aware of my moods and often jumps into my lap, or my bed, or my dinner plate, just when I'm beginning to feel panic or worry. The habitual and insistence of my hand running smoothly across her places me into a tranquil state that has little to nothing to do with her personal pleasure. No, my girl here, is a soulmate of mine. She knows when I need her. Just like I know when she needs me to change her litter, feed and water her, having nothing to do with her cacophony of mewing, that sounds as if she is DYING.

Perhaps this symbiotic relationship could be better phrased parasitic but nevertheless, she is one of the soul's that I have chosen to travel with in this life. Thank you Athena girl...now get off the couch!

Skip the ticket!

So, yeah, I'm a bit of a speed demon. Sometimes that isn't on purpose....sometimes....maybe, my car and I want to stretch it out a bit. Despite the absolute exhilaration I feel at fast speeds, there is a little prude in the back of my mind and eyeballs that is constantly watching for cops. I hate tickets, don't you? One of the worst parts is the way they have the ability to make you feel like a child being reprimanded. The money is a big pain in the butt too. You can imagine, when I found this article, I was thrilled. I thought about you immediately as well.

By Glenn Ruppel reported on Yahoo.com

Every driver hates getting a ticket. So when you are pulled over, how do you minimize the damage to your wallet?

First, realize the risk of serious danger to the officer is quite real.

"Cops get killed on car stops," said Jerry Kane, 53, a retired New York Police Department officer. Kane said if you're pulled over, you should realize the officer will be on high alert.

Watch the full story - including more dramatic secrets from cops and other professions - on "20/20: True Confessions" Friday at 10 p.m. ET

"The most dangerous thing to the cop when he comes up to the car are the hands of someone, because they could hold a weapon," he said.

Drivers and passengers have been known to come out shooting, a fact cops are well aware of as they walk up to your vehicle.

"If he can see everybody's hands, immediately his blood pressure goes down, his pulse gets a bit slower," Kane said. "If it's nighttime, turn on the interior lights in your car. If it's night or day, lower all the windows on your car. … And put your hands up on the steering wheel - high, where the cop can see them."

This may make the officer more understanding and lenient, Kane said.

"If you were gonna get some discretion, you now set up that possibility."

The officer may then ask if you know what you did wrong. Kane said to be apologetic, but don't feel you have to admit anything.

"You can play dumb. You can say, 'What did I do?' And if he tells you what you did, you could say, 'I must have…you know, I just didn't realize it,'" Kane said.

Does it work to cry?

"Only for women," Kane said, laughing.

What if she shows a little leg?

"Since men and women were created, attractive women get more breaks," Kane said.

Finally, do as Kane does: keep your speed less than 10 miles per hour over the limit.

"If you were my brother or my cousin and asked me, that's what I would tell you."

Watch the full story - including more dramatic secrets from cops and other professions - on "20/20: True Confessions" Friday at 10 p.m. ET

Hey it can't hurt, right? Minus the showing your leg...ummm, eternal damnation! If you believe in that kind of stuff. hahaha

This has been a service announcement from Speeders Annonymous.

2012 Beats Racism

Hallelujah, Obama Won!!! Thank you God, thank you America.

Racism has been beat.
Ignorance did not convince the right people.
History will be documented in the right way.
Our nation, has a chance now.
I'm so happy, thank you EVERY woman that voted, Thank you every ethnicity that voted. White people, the ones that voted due to color...haha IN YOUR FACE...this is the 21st Century...Racism is DEAD, die with it!!!!

Texting Manners

Admittedly, I came late to the world of texting. About four  years ago, I had no clue what that term barely meant. I heard it being used all over the place. Upon first hearing it, I thought it was some kind of option with a very fancy, expensive phone that involved code. haha....No, really!

I don't remember how it happened, I just began. It might have been with the first time I got a phone that was worth more than a piece of gum. Maybe it was when I finally gave up on the idea of a landline. Whatever the event, I can't stop now.

I love texting but there are some disclaimers to that. In the beginning, I refused to give up on complete sentences. I was determined not to fall into that lazy generation that forgets how to spell the world laugh, using lol instead. Is it just me or is everyone "laughing out loud", so often, a bit far fetched?? I used actual punctuation marks. You know those funny little dots that look ink stained? I kept that up for a good year, I suppose, mocking those that btw'd and lol'd entirely too much and then...it happened....I gave in...I sold out!

That said, I still believe there is a texting etiquette to be followed to some extent. I'm beginning to think , I am the only one of this mind though. Texting is a shortcut to a conversation. It is what we have, throughout the day when we can't take the time out to have the hour(s) long talks we used to. Concentrate on my nouns here: Conversation and talks. In a real live conversation, there is a beginning and clear end. With texting, shouldn't that be the same, at the very least?

Here is how my text conversations go: We start with a traditional, hello, hi, how are you, etc. Then there is random info/questions, out of order and lacking in adjectives often. I'm good with the middle parts. However the end, is often left behind. The "conversation" just ends without closure. My only identifier to this is the time that passes by with no reply.

I'm sorry, how hard is a "i've got to go" or "sorry, busy" or "cya, later" and the list could go on and on of simple typing phrases that would surely not strain even the busiest or most metropolitan of texters.

Am I being silly to want to know that a shared string of consciousness has come to an end? Is it really so unreasonable to just say bye? Personally,I don't think so but, I do recognize that I might very well be a dying breed of people that remember the importance of manners, no matter the medium. 

Thinking....

So I'm an overthinker....

 

Instinctively, I like to be loving, giving, open. In order to do that, I attempt to figure out what that person's love language is, how they express and learn things so I'm an effective communicator. These things all form to create the over thinker, I am. Yes, the thinking process of it all is where the doubts and questions begin to form, that cause utter chaos in my mind and heart. I am so focused on trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can that I'm constantly reevaluating, adjusting my thoughts and limits. I have this fear that if  I stopped overthinking, I believe I would be less loving/giving/communicative. It makes me feel pretty scattered, but at the exact same time, I'm proud that I'm open. 

 

Of course the optimal way to live is to give your love freely, with no sense of expectation or reciprocation. I want to be that so very bad, but I can't seem to do it. It happens at first when I meet someone. My instinctual nature is to give of myself, maybe too much. I say too much because, sadly, it doesn't take long before the other person begins to expect this...so they don't have to work for it anymore.  They begin talking less, doing those sweet little things less, writing less, saying all those things a woman needs to hear LESS ; that list can go on and on and on. I think it is in our nature to take advantage of what is given, especially if given too freely. I see that as a fact, but if I were a better person, this wouldn't matter to me. I'd do it anyway, as Mother Teresa says.  

 

I'm at a crux, that has been the case for years now....do I turn a blind eye to the realities of the world....the things you can bet on, like being used or abused, etc and continue to do good for the world, despite it all or....keep yourself safe by reacting to the things that go on around you? Even worse, do I  keep my guard preventing me from being who I want to be because someone might hurt me?

 

I wish I could decide. Any ideas? I wonder how other people are authentic to their true selves, because me, I struggle. Perhaps putting it here, out into the cosmos will bring me back the energy to do my best.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

originally bye Kent M. Keith

 

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. 

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. 

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. 

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. 

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. 

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. 

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. 

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. 

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. 

It was never between you and them anyway.

____________________________